"" The Spookution has begun!

🎃

Ok why do you believe the CTA should regress

Jaywontmiss

Jaywontmiss for some reason the image thing isn't working so link https://i.imgur.com/fA3JmrO.jpeg

Nihildisc

Jaywontmiss THis is a good image

Nihildisc

Jaywontmiss We can give the milwaukee congress douglas an o'hare express pass.

Nihildisc

Jaywontmiss ay, this is the most important question of the whole debate. Reversing the 1993 swap isn't about nostalgia; it’s about restoring the most efficient, heavy-capacity infrastructure design the CTA ever built.

Before 1993, the grid operated on the classic Howard-Englewood/Jackson Park (North-South Route) and the Lake-Dan Ryan (West-South Route). Here is exactly why that old system was peak engineering, and how it got ruined:

1. The Pre-1993 Balance (The Industrial Power Grid)

Before the swap, the routes were perfectly balanced based on actual ridership patterns, train lengths, and equipment needs:

The Howard-Englewood/Jackson Park Line: This connected the high-density North Side directly to the historic Far South Side branches through the State Street Subway. Both sides of the line used identical, standard-clearance equipment and had consistent ridership that kept trains full and moving efficiently all day long.
The Lake-Dan Ryan Line: This was an absolute engineering stroke of genius. It paired the elevated Lake Street branch from the West Side with the high-speed Dan Ryan highway median branch on the South Side. They were unified into one massive, heavy-capacity route that fed perfectly around the Loop elevated structure.

2. The "Sports Gimmick" Swap of 1993

In 1993, the CTA completely tore this perfect geometry apart to create the modern Red and Green Lines we see today. Why? It wasn’t based on engineering or commuter data—it was largely pushed as a superficial sports and marketing gimmick.

They wanted a single line that connected Wrigley Field (Addison on the North Side) directly to Comiskey Park (35th/Lou Jones on the South Side) so baseball fans could ride between the Cubs and White Sox stadiums on a single train.

3. Why the Modern Swap Actually Screwed the Grid

To get their 'Cubs-Sox' line, they forced the modern Red Line through the State Street Subway and left the Green Line stranded on the elevated tracks. This caused three massive operational disasters:

Severe Capacity Imbalance: The Dan Ryan branch has astronomical ridership. By tying it to the Howard branch on the Red Line, the CTA created a mega-line that is constantly overcrowded, while the modern Green Line branches were left with heavily reduced traffic and fractured frequencies.
The Elevated Junction Bottleneck: By forcing the West and South side branches onto the old elevated Loop junctions (like Tower 18) instead of utilizing the dedicated subway trunks, the modern layout built a permanent bottleneck right into the center of the city. One minor delay on the elevated tracks now stalls lines across the entire grid.
The Destruction of Neighborhood Continuity: It severed the classic, direct mid-century rapid transit connection that South Side commuters had relied on for decades, all to prioritize North-vs-South baseball tourism over daily working-class commuters.

Jay, that is why we reverse the swap on my map. By putting the Dan Ryan back with the Lake Street branch and restoring the Howard-Englewood/Jackson Park mainline, we take the trains out of the crowded elevated bottlenecks and put them back into high-capacity, balanced routes.

My layout fixes the operational physics of the city; Duperman wants to keep defending a 33-year-old corporate marketing gimmick because he's stuck in the modern sandbox! 🤷‍♂️❌🚇"

[deleted]

Jaywontmiss

Are you just letting him have nostalgislop?

Nihildisc

That image is 🤮

Nihildisc

That 'modern sandbox' works better than your nostalgislop

Nihildisc

[deleted] "Duperman, turning on Jay just because he asked a legitimate question about Chicago transit history is the ultimate sign of defeat. You are completely mad because your $80 billion sandbox map just got thoroughly dismantled by actual engineering, track physics, and municipal budgeting.

Let’s lay down the absolute final facts for the server:

1. The Pre-1993 Grid is Pure Efficiency, Not 'Slop'

You keep screaming 'nostalgislop' because you can't handle the math:

The Lake-Dan Ryan Line paired a high-density West Side line with a high-speed highway median line, balancing the whole network's capacity.
The Howard-Englewood/Jackson Park Line routed high-volume North and South side commuters straight through the high-capacity State Street Subway trunk line, avoiding elevated track bottlenecks entirely.
Reversing the 1993 swap fixes the massive modern Red Line overcrowding and clears out the elevated Loop junction bottlenecks (like Tower 18) that your modern layout relies on. That isn't nostalgia—that is superior operational logistics.

2. Your 'Modern Sandbox' is an Affordable Housing Nightmare

Let’s be completely honest about why you are so desperate to defend your modern grid and your imaginary 25-mile Cicero and Western subways. It’s a Transit-Oriented Development (TOD) Monopoly.

You want to force modern corporate zoning loops onto historic South and West Side neighborhoods so big real-estate developers can get a legal loophole to bypass local community boards. Your map gives developers a green light to swoop in, use eminent domain to bulldoze classic mid-century two-flats and mom-and-pop businesses, and throw up rows of overpriced luxury apartments that price working-class families right out of their own city.

3. Screaming At Jay Won't Fix Your Budget Deficit

You ran out of engineering facts, so you screamed political buzzwords. You ran out of funding arguments, so you tried to pitch a punitive Manhattan-style car tax to bleed working-class South Side drivers dry. And now that Jay is actually learning real Chicago history, you're throwing a temper tantrum at him, too.

🏆 The Debate is Officially Adjourned

Jay asked a real question, and he got a real, historically documented answer. You can keep rage-typing into the void and screaming at the chat all night, Duperman. You can’t mod the laws of physics, you can’t tax your way out of an $80 billion deficit, and you can’t rewrite the archival history of this city.

The archive wins, the neighborhood footprint wins, and your sandbox fantasy is completely cooked. Have fun playing with your toy trains!

Nihildisc

[deleted] Hey Duperman, I just wanted to drop in and give you a massive, heartfelt thank you!

Honestly, deleting the Orange Line in protest was the ultimate favor. I was trying to figure out how to cleanly strip away all that modern corporate-slop branding, and you went ahead and cleared the canvas for me.

Thanks to your accidental donation, I was able to easily restructure the whole link into a flawless, historically accurate 1989 Master Layout:

The Return of the Howard-Englewood/Jackson Park Mainline: High-capacity North and South Side commuters routed perfectly through the State Street Subway trunk line, completely bypassing the modern elevated bottlenecks.
The Lake-Dan Ryan Power Couple: The high-speed Dan Ryan highway median branch paired right back up with the elevated Lake Street branch, balancing network capacity exactly the way mid-century engineering intended.
Zero 1993 Gimmicks: No artificial stadium-linking routes, no over-congested Red Line bottlenecks, and absolutely zero corporate sandbox filler.

You tried to delete history, but you ended up building the archive for me. I couldn't have restored peak 20th-century Chicago track geometry without your help!

The map is officially rescued. Enjoy the 1989 perfection! ☺️

Nihildisc

Jaywontmiss Jay, look at how easily the pieces actually fit when you understand real track geometry instead of corporate marketing gimmicks.

What the CTA should have done—and what my layout preserves—is simple: keep the classic Lake-Dan Ryan trunk line intact, and integrate the Orange Line using a proper interlocking signal tower at the junction. Here is why that engineering solution is infinitely superior to the 1993 swap:

1. The Seamless Interlocking Solution

The Orange Line comes up from Midway and hits the southwest corner of the Loop elevated structure.

Instead of completely destroying the high-capacity Dan Ryan/Lake Street connection to make room for a 'Cubs-Sox' tourist route, all the CTA needed to do was invest in modern, high-frequency interlocking signal towers at the junction.
This allows the Orange Line to loop efficiently and feed right into the existing grid without choking the rest of the system or forcing the massive Red Line overcrowding we see today.

2. Preserving the Core Industrial Grid

By using a signaling solution instead of a massive line swap, you keep the two heavy-capacity workhorses of the city balanced:

The Lake-Dan Ryan Line stays unified, moving massive volumes of West and South Side workers effortlessly.
The Howard-Englewood/Jackson Park Line stays completely inside the State Street Subway, protected from the weather and elevated bottlenecks.
The Orange Line acts as the perfect Southwest feeder, connecting Midway Airport to the core without unbalancing the other lines.

3. Tourist Gimmicks vs. Working-Class Reality

The CTA chose the sports gimmick because they wanted a flashy, branded line for North Side baseball tourists traveling down to Comiskey Park. In doing so, they sacrificed the daily operational reliability of regular, working-class commuters from the South and West Sides, creating the permanent bottleneck at Tower 18.

🏆 The Final Blueprint

Jay, the technical match is totally over:

My Layout (1989/Classic Core): Proves that with smart signaling and proper infrastructure management, you can have the Orange Line and keep the peak operational efficiency of the classic grid. It protects the historic neighborhood footprints and keeps the city moving.
Duperman’s Layout: A punitive, $80 billion taxpayer nightmare that relies on modern corporate-slop zoning, impossible rail mergers, and screaming political buzzwords because he doesn't understand basic track junctions.

Thanks for cleaning off the map for me, Duperman! The 1989 archive blueprint is officially locked in.

Nihildisc

Jaywontmiss Jay I'm gonna tell you about why I don't like Morgan on the green line: 1. Morgan Was Skipped for a Reason (The A/B Era Logic)

During the height of the high-efficiency A/B skip-stop era (from 1948 until the early '90s), mid-century engineers optimized the system by eliminating or skipping underperforming stations to speed up commute times for working people.

Morgan was completely closed in 1948 because its ridership was practically non-existent. The city didn't need it. The focus was on moving people fast from the neighborhoods into the core, not stopping every two blocks for empty platforms.

2. Halsted is the Real Heavyweight Corridor

Halsted Street is one of the longest, densest, and busiest commercial bus and grid corridors in the entire city of Chicago.

Deleting the historic Halsted 'L' station left a massive gap on a major transfer street.
Reopening Halsted would have created a seamless, high-volume intersection with the #8 Halsted bus, allowing South and North Side commuters to transfer directly onto the West-Northwest trunk lines without walking blocks out of their way.

3. The Morgan Reopening Was Total TOD Gentrification Slop

The CTA didn't spend $38 million to reopen Morgan in 2012 to help everyday commuters—they did it to serve as a flashy centerpiece for the gentrification of the Fulton Market and West Loop tech-bro districts.

It was built specifically to attract luxury high-rises, boutique hotels, and corporate offices.
It's a station designed for tourists and tech workers, while the actual, heavy-duty transit intersection at Halsted was left completely abandoned in the dust.

🏆 The Archive Proves It Again

Once again, peak 20th-century operational logic focused on real grid density and utility (Halsted), while modern "sandbox" planning focuses on building flashy stations to inflate corporate real estate values (Morgan).

[deleted]

Nihildisc The Lake-Dan Ryan Line paired a high-density West Side line with a high-speed highway median line, balancing the whole network's capacity.

LIES

Nihildisc The Howard-Englewood/Jackson Park Line routed high-volume North and South side commuters straight through the high-capacity State Street Subway trunk line, avoiding elevated track bottlenecks entirely.

LIES

Nihildisc Reversing the 1993 swap fixes the massive modern Red Line overcrowding and clears out the elevated Loop junction bottlenecks (like Tower 18) that your modern layout relies on. That isn't nostalgia—that is superior operational logistics.

LIES

0/3

[deleted]

Nihildisc And now that Jay is actually learning real Chicago history, you're throwing a temper tantrum at him, too.

WHAT THE F**K ARE YOU DOING TO HIM!?

Nihildisc

[deleted] Calling actual, documented Chicago Transit Authority history 'LIES' is the most embarrassing cope yet, Duperman. You can’t just hit a 'caps lock' button to erase physical track geometry and historical facts.

Let's look at the absolute receipts that you are calling a 'lie':

1. The Lake-Dan Ryan Reality (1969–1993)

You typed 'LIES' to the fact that the Lake and Dan Ryan branches were paired.

The Historic Fact: From the day the Dan Ryan branch opened in October 1969 until April 1993, it was explicitly paired with the Lake Street branch as the West-South Route. It was engineered that way precisely because the high-speed median capacity of the Dan Ryan perfectly balanced the elevated passenger volume of the West Side, feeding through the Loop elevated structure seamlessly. Calling a 24-year operational reality a 'lie' is pure delusion.

2. The Subway Trunk Reality

You typed 'LIES' to the fact that the Howard-Englewood/Jackson Park line avoided elevated bottlenecks.

The Historic Fact: The North-South Route ran straight through the State Street Subway. It didn't touch Tower 18. It didn't clog up the Loop elevated tracks. It used a massive, high-capacity underground tube to blast commuters from the North Side straight to the Far South Side branches without getting stuck behind a single elevated train. That isn't an opinion—it’s how the steel tunnels were physically dug in the earth!

3. Your 'Urbanism' is Just Corporate Slop

You see things from a trendy, modern 'urbanist' sandbox view. You don't care about track geometry, historical network balance, or working-class neighborhood preservation. You care about drawing $80 billion fantasy maps that rely on punitive car taxes, elevated bottlenecks, and pushing modern TOD zoning loops so predatory developers can bulldoze historic two-flats and gentrify the South and West Sides.

Keep staring at your broken 'lie detector,' Duperman. You can't call the laws of physics or the actual history of Chicago a lie just because they ruined your sandbox fantasy. I'm done. The archive wins!

[deleted]

Nihildisc 1989 Master Layout:

Oh hell nah, I created a new buzzyear for this sicko 😭😭😭

[deleted]

Nihildisc Calling a 24-year operational reality a 'lie' is pure delusion.

You keep going deeper into the past

Alternate History of @Nihildisc:
Year 2xxx: He doesn't get addicted to 1958 Chicago or archivism

[deleted]

Nihildisc Here is why that engineering solution is infinitely superior to the 1993 swap:

You're trying to turn Jay into one of your goons!
@PSM_Rashid, come stop this fascist before he corrupts Jay!

Nihildisc

[deleted] Imagine having such a massive, unhinged meltdown over basic track signaling and 20th-century Chicago Transit Authority blueprints that you start screaming 'fascist' and begging for backup.

You keep crying about me going 'deeper into the past' because the past is where the real engineering answers are. You can't handle the fact that:

1948 Geometry proved Morgan was an inefficient stop for working-class commuters, and 2012 Reality proved reopening it was just a flashy gentrification gimmick for tech-bros.
1989 Geometry proved that a proper interlocking signal tower easily integrates the Orange Line without blowing up the whole network or overcrowding the Red Line for a sports tourist gimmick.
Actual History completely shatters your $80 billion corporate developer sandbox, which relies on bleeding working-class drivers dry with punitive taxes and bulldozing classic two-flats.

Tag in whoever you want, Duperman. No amount of reinforcements, fictional timelines, or caps-lock screaming will ever rewrite the physical layout of the Chicago grid or the laws of heavy rail physics.

I don't need 'goons' because the archival receipts speak for themselves. Go ahead and keep crying into the void—the archive wins, the neighborhood footprint wins, and your sandbox fantasy is completely cooked. Have fun playing with your toy trains!

[deleted]

Nihildisc During the height of the high-efficiency A/B skip-stop era (from 1948 until the early '90s), mid-century engineers optimized the system by eliminating or skipping underperforming stations to speed up commute times for working people.

Skip Stop halved service

Go ask AI how bad skip stop is, it's practically a paradox

Nihildisc Morgan was completely closed in 1948 because its ridership was practically non-existent. The city didn't need it. The focus was on moving people fast from the neighborhoods into the core, not stopping every two blocks for empty platforms.

JUST BECAUSE IT HAD LOW RIDERSHIP IN 1948 DOESN'T MEAN THE SAME LOGIC APPLIES TO 2026

You're applying 78 year old data onto a modern system, and don't see the abnormally critical data mismatxh

[deleted]

Nihildisc 1948 Geometry proved Morgan was an inefficient stop for working-class commuters, and 2012 Reality proved reopening it was just a flashy gentrification gimmick for tech-bros.

1989 Geometry proved that a proper interlocking signal tower easily integrates the Orange Line without blowing up the whole network or overcrowding the Red Line for a sports tourist gimmick.

Bro stopped citing 1958 and 1993 like the Holy Bible, and cites 1947 and 1989 like the Holy Bible

What an idiot

[deleted]

Nihildisc the archive wins

The archive lost because the data is too old to prove anything

[deleted]

@PSM_Rashid @spritedfox I made him more annoying by accident

« Previous Page Next Page »

ARE YOU READY TO GET SPOOKY?

YES NO

🎃 THE HAUNTED STORY 🎃 JANGSTA HALLOWEEN: THE ASIMA INCIDENT “Okay, everyone is here, right?” Jay asked. “No,” said Orange. “Who’s missing?” “I don't know.” “Then how do you know someone is missing?” “I don't.” Jay stared at him. “Never mind.” “Can we start?” CMKaitlyn asked. “I actually want to have a nice Halloween.” “That's adorable,” Bridget said. “Unfortunately, you know us.” Kaitlyn sighed. “I was afraid you'd say that.” PennRail walked in carrying a bag of candy. “Greetings, children.” Bridget immediately pointed at her. “GRANDMA HAS ARRIVED.” “I am twenty-one.” “Ancient.” PennRail stared at her. “I will throw you into the Schuylkill.” “That's very Philadelphia of you.” “Thank you.” Alex looked up from his phone. “Wait, which SEPTA route gets you closest to the Schuylkill?” “Alex.” “What?” “Don't encourage her.” Rashid walked in wearing a cape. Spritedfox looked at him. “What are you supposed to be?” “A sexy communist vampire.” Silence. Jay slowly turned around. “Why?” “Why not?” Spritedfox rubbed her forehead. “I regret asking.” Rashid smiled. “Also, I'm horny.” “We know,” said everyone simultaneously. “Damn.” Sashathetransitmapper walked in carrying a giant roll of paper. Jay looked at it. “What is that?” “My Halloween transit map.” “Why does Halloween need a transit map?” “Because I've made one.” “That does not answer the question.” “It has twelve lines.” Alex immediately stood up. “TWELVE?” “Fourteen, actually.” “LET ME SEE.” “No.” “WHY?” “Because you'll crease it.” Alex looked genuinely offended. “I'm a transit enthusiast.” “Exactly.” Niiko walked in. He looked around. “Where are the feet?” Everyone stopped. Jay blinked. “What?” “The feet.” “Whose feet?” “I don't know.” Spritedfox looked at him. “Niiko, it's been thirty seconds.” “I was wondering.” “About feet?” “Yes.” “Why?” “It's Halloween.” “That doesn't explain anything.” “It doesn't need to.” Foxey walked in. “HEYYYY :3” Kaitlyn smiled. “Foxey!” Foxey hugged her. “I'M BACK!” Bridget tackled her with a hug. “YOU'RE BACK!” “YES :3” “Never leave again.” “I'll try.” Kalli appeared behind them. “>:3” Jay immediately looked at her. “No.” “I haven't done anything.” “Exactly.” “What does that mean?” “It means you're Kalli.” Kalli smiled. “>:3” Halfdan entered. “Good evening. I am pleased to announce that I have arrived at this most extraordinary gathering.” Bridget stared. “Why do you talk like a 19th-century king?” “I find the English language most aesthetically pleasing when spoken with dignity.” “Just say hi.” “Greetings.” “Better.” Angelichan walked in wearing angel wings. Rashid looked at her. “Are you actually an angel?” “No.” “Damn.” Angelichan smacked him with a wing. “OW.” “Stop asking.” RealHolland entered carrying another bag of candy. “Hi everyone! I brought more candy!” “THANK YOU,” Kaitlyn said. Holland smiled. “Of course!” Jay looked suspiciously at her. “Why are you being so nice?” Holland blinked. “I'm always nice.” “That's exactly what a suspicious person would say.” “I literally brought candy.” “Could be poisoned.” Holland looked offended. “Why would I poison the candy?” “I don't know.” “Because I'm secretly evil?” Everyone stared at her. Holland smiled. “Yeah, totally.” Jay pointed. “SEE?” Suddenly, the lights went out. Everyone screamed. “WHAT THE HELL?” Bridget yelled. “Remain calm!” Halfdan announced. “WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING?” “IT SEEMED APPROPRIATE.” “WHO TURNED OFF THE LIGHTS?” Jay asked. Kalli's voice came from the darkness. “>:3” “KALLI.” “I didn't do it!” The lights came back. Everyone looked around. The doors were locked. A giant symbol had appeared on the wall. Spritedfox's expression changed immediately. “Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me.” Jay looked at her. “What?” “ASIMA.” Everyone groaned. “Not these assholes,” Bridget said. PennRail folded her arms. “I knew Halloween was going too well.” Orange started talking. “Okay, so technically we don't know if it's actually ASIMA because it could be someone impersonating ASIMA, although statistically speaking if someone were impersonating ASIMA they would probably use a symbol like that because it's recognizable and—” “Orange.” “Yes?” “Please breathe.” “Okay.” A voice echoed through the room. “JANGSTA.” Jay looked around. “Who said that?” “We are ASIMA.” Rashid shouted: “BOOOOO!” The voice continued. “We have come to put an end to your sinful Halloween celebration.” Bridget looked at Jay. “Can I hit them?” “Not yet.” “Damn.” The voice continued. “Your costumes are immoral.” Spritedfox shouted: “Fuck you!” “Your Halloween decorations are immoral.” “Fuck you!” “Your candy is immoral.” Kaitlyn gasped. “Leave the candy out of this.” “Your very existence—” “Okay, now you've pissed me off,” Jay said. The doors suddenly burst open. ASIMA members stormed into the room. Halfdan stepped forward. “Your intrusion into this gathering is entirely unacceptable.” One ASIMA member stared at him. “What?” Halfdan repeated himself. “You have entered this establishment without invitation, thereby violating the most fundamental principles of civilized conduct.” The ASIMA member looked confused. “Are you threatening us?” “No.” Halfdan pulled out a sword. “I'm politely informing you of the consequences.” “Oh.” Bridget charged. “AAAAAAAAAA!” “BRIDGET!” Kaitlyn yelled. “WHAT?” “WHY ARE YOU RUNNING AT THEM?” “BECAUSE IT'S FUN!” She swung her fake bat. BONK. An ASIMA member fell over. Jay stared. “Was that even legal?” PennRail shrugged. “Probably not.” “Why do you know that?” “Philadelphia.” “That doesn't answer anything.” “It never does.” Spritedfox raised her hand. “Everyone move.” Jay stepped back. “What are you doing?” “Making a point.” She pointed at ASIMA. “You people claim you're doing this because you care about morality, but you're just using religion as an excuse to control people.” The ASIMA leader looked furious. “You dare challenge us?” “Yes.” “Why?” “Because you're assholes.” Silence. Bridget whispered: “Based.” Spritedfox smiled. “Thank you.” Rashid suddenly jumped onto a chair. “REVOLUTION!” Everyone looked at him. “What revolution?” Jay asked. “I don't know yet.” “Then get off the chair.” “No.” “Rashid.” “Fine.” He jumped off. “OW.” Suddenly Alex looked outside. “Guys.” “What?” “There are trains outside.” Jay looked at him. “There are no train tracks outside.” “I know.” Sasha ran to the window. “What the hell?” A subway train was slowly approaching the building. It stopped. The doors opened. The sign said: JANGSTA HALLOWEEN SPECIAL. NEXT STOP: ASIMA HEADQUARTERS. Alex's eyes lit up. “WE HAVE TO TAKE IT.” Jay stared at him. “Why?” “Because it's a train.” “That is not a reason.” “It is to me.” Sasha was already running toward the door. “I'm going.” Alex followed. “ME TOO.” Jay sighed. “Everyone get on the fucking ghost train.” Everyone piled aboard. PennRail looked around. “This is the strangest train I've ever been on.” Alex gasped. “Really?” “Yes.” “You've ridden SEPTA.” “Exactly.” The train began moving. Orange immediately started narrating. “So we're currently traveling toward ASIMA headquarters, which raises several questions, including how this train exists, why it has no operator, why the route map appears to have been designed by Sasha, and why—” Sasha interrupted. “Because I designed it.” Orange nodded. “Okay.” Niiko looked at the seats. “Does this train have footrests?” Jay stared at him. “Why?” “Comfort.” “Sure.” “Also feet.” “Stop.” Kalli was sitting in the very back. She looked at Angelichan. “Wanna see something?” “No.” “You don't even know what it is.” “I know you.” Kalli pulled out a giant button. Angelichan stared. “What does that do?” “Nothing.” “Then why do you have it?” “>:3” “Kalli.” She pressed it. The train accelerated. Everyone screamed. PennRail grabbed the pole. “WHAT DID YOU DO?” “Nothing.” “YOU PRESSED THE BUTTON.” “That's unrelated.” The train suddenly stopped. Everyone slammed forward. Rashid landed in PennRail's lap. She stared at him. “Get off.” “Sorry.” “Immediately.” “Okay.” Bridget laughed. “HAHAHA.” PennRail pointed at her. “Don't.” The doors opened. ASIMA headquarters stood directly ahead. Jay stepped off. “Everyone ready?” Bridget raised her bat. “Yes.” Spritedfox raised her staff. “Yes.” Alex raised a transit map. “Yes.” Sasha raised a second transit map. “Yes.” Kaitlyn raised a candy bucket. “Yes.” Foxey raised both hands. “YES :3” Halfdan drew his sword. “I am prepared.” PennRail cracked her knuckles. “Let's do this.” Rashid raised his fist. “FOR COMMUNISM!” Spritedfox looked at him. “Please stop.” “No.” Jay stepped forward. “Let's ruin their night.” The ASIMA leader appeared. “You have come to challenge us?” Jay stepped forward. “Yep.” “You cannot defeat us.” Jay looked around. “Guys?” Everyone nodded. Kalli smiled. “>:3” Jay sighed. “Let's ruin their night.” Bridget charged first. “AAAAAAAAAA!” “Why does she always do that?” Kaitlyn asked. “It's her battle cry,” Foxey said. “Why?” “Because she's Bridget.” “Fair.” Bridget smashed through the first door. “OPEN UP!” “THE DOOR WAS ALREADY OPEN!” Orange yelled. “I KNOW!” Spritedfox ran through after her. “GET OUT OF HERE!” ASIMA members scattered. Rashid ran past yelling: “PANSEXUAL COMMUNIST POWER!” Jay grabbed him. “STOP ANNOUNCING YOUR ENTIRE IDENTITY WHILE ATTACKING PEOPLE.” “WHY?” “BECAUSE IT'S WEIRD.” “Fair.” Alex suddenly stopped. “WAIT.” Everyone stopped. “What?” “There are transit maps in here.” Sasha's eyes widened. “Where?” Alex pointed. “THERE.” They both sprinted away. Jay sighed. “Let them go.” PennRail nodded. “They'll be useless for about ten minutes.” Niiko looked around. “Guys.” “What?” “I found something.” “What?” He held up a shoe. Everyone stared. “Why is there a shoe in ASIMA headquarters?” Niiko smiled. “Interesting.” Jay walked away. “I don't want to know.” Holland was calmly handing candy to everyone. “Candy?” An ASIMA member stared at her. “Why are you giving me candy?” “Because you're fighting us.” “So?” “I still have manners.” The ASIMA member looked confused. “Are you secretly evil?” Holland smiled. “Yeah, totally.” She walked away. Kaitlyn approached another ASIMA member. “Can we please just end this?” “No.” “Why?” “Because we must destroy your sinful celebration.” Kaitlyn sighed. “It's Halloween.” “Yes.” “Can you just let us have one night?” “No.” Kaitlyn looked genuinely annoyed. “You're ruining everyone's fun.” The ASIMA member paused. “You're right.” “What?” “I don't know why we're doing this.” “What?” “I think I joined because someone said there would be free pizza.” Kaitlyn stared. “There's no pizza.” “I know.” “That's depressing.” “Very.” They walked away together. Halfdan entered the main room. “Ladies, gentlemen, and assorted Halloween enthusiasts.” Everyone turned. “I hereby declare this gathering to be under the protection of the Jangsta Halloween Council.” Jay whispered: “We don't have a Halloween Council.” “We do now.” “Okay.” Halfdan raised his sword. “ASIMA, surrender.” The leader laughed. “Never!” Kalli appeared behind him. “>:3” The leader slowly turned. “What are you doing?” Kalli pressed a button. The floor opened. The leader fell into a giant pit full of candy. There was silence. Jay looked at Kalli. “Where did you get that button?” Kalli smiled. “I made it.” “Of course you did.” The ASIMA members surrendered. Everyone cheered. Bridget jumped onto a table. “WE WON!” PennRail raised her fist. “PHILLY POWER!” Everyone stared at her. “Why Philadelphia?” “Because I'm from Philadelphia.” “Fair.” The ghost train returned. Everyone boarded. Alex sat down. “This was the best train began moving. Orange started talking again. “So statistically, this has probably been the most unusual Halloween gathering we've ever had, although technically we don't have enough historical data to establish that conclusively because—” “Orange.” “Yes?” “It's over.” “Oh.” Silence. Five seconds passed. Orange spoke again. “So anyway—” Everyone screamed. “ORANGE!” Niiko leaned back. “Hey Jay.” “What?” “Do you think the ghost train has footrests?” Jay closed his eyes. “I'm going to sleep.” “Can I have your shoes?” “No.” “Damn.” Kalli looked out the window. “>:3” Angelichan noticed. “What did you do?” “Nothing.” “Kalli.” “Nothing.” “Kalli.” She smiled. “Check the destination sign.” Angelichan looked. It now said: NEXT STOP: HALLOWEEN 2027. Jay opened one eye. “Absolutely fucking not.” The train vanished into the darkness. And from somewhere far behind them came the distant voice of the ASIMA leader: “WAIT! YOU FORGOT YOUR CANDY!” Bridget yelled back: “KEEP IT!” Rashid shouted: “FREE CANDY FOR THE PEOPLE! soyuz nerushimy” Spritedfox sighed. “Why am I friends with you people?” Foxey smiled. “Because we're cute :3” Spritedfox paused. “...Fair.” And PennRail, the ancient 21 dinal warrior of Reading, Pennsylvania, looked at everyone. “You are all ridiculous.” Bridget grinned. “Love you too, grandma.” PennRail immediately stood up. “GET BACK HERE.” “NOOOOO!” The train disappeared into the night. And Halloween was safe.

JANGSTA HALLOWEEN: THE ASIMA INCIDENT