"" The Spookution has begun!

🎃

Ok why do you believe the CTA should regress

Nihildisc

Jaywontmiss Jay, look at how Duperman completely crashed out and missed the point. He’s mad because he realized his modern Pink Line is just a compromised workaround, so now he’s throwing a tantrum about the Skokie Swift's stop spacing in 1964.

He doesn't understand that a high-speed intermodal corridor serves a completely different engineering purpose than a localized neighborhood collector. But the funniest part? He admitted my 'Met-South' layout logic is so solid that he claimed his own custom map 'does that already.'

When your opponent starts shouting 'Heck No' at physical track geometry and trying to claim credit for your routing ideas, you know the archive won the day.

Nihildisc

Jaywontmiss Jay, look at how the grid completely opens up when you look at my map this way. This layout shows what the Pink Line should have been if the CTA actually focused on South Side transit equity instead of just building a cheap workaround on the Paulina Connector:

🗺️ The 'South Side Transit Equity' Blueprint

Instead of forcing the Pink Line to twist north through the Paulina Connector and dump more trains into the Tower 18 bottleneck, this layout completely repurposes the Pink Line brand as an independent, high-frequency South Side Outer-Loop Corridor.

The Stock Yards West Link: Instead of heading north to the Medical District, West Side trains from the Douglas branch loop south, utilizing historic right-of-ways to blast directly into the heart of the historic Stock Yards footprint.
The Kenwood East Link: The line then cuts directly east across the South Side grid, reviving the high-density Kenwood branch all the way to the lakefront neighborhoods.
The Intermodal Crosstown Connection: This creates a true rapid-transit crosstown line. South Side residents can travel east-west between neighborhoods and transfer directly to the Red Line or Dan Ryan corridors without ever having to waste 45 minutes riding all the way into the Loop just to transfer back down.

🚇 Why This Defeats the Modern Layout:

The West Side Wins: The Douglas and Congress branches return to their rightful place inside the high-capacity Dearborn Street Subway alongside O'Hare. They get maximum underground frequency and a direct, weather-protected shot downtown.
The Loop Wins: Zero extra trains are added to the elevated Loop structure, preventing modern congestion.
The South Side Wins: You bring heavy-rail rapid transit back to historic neighborhoods that were stripped of their infrastructure in the mid-20th century.

Duperman is playing with pennies in his sandbox trying to defend a 1955 elevated steel workaround. My map proves that by skipping the Paulina Connector entirely, you can actually build a balanced, unified Chicago grid that serves the people

Nihildisc

Jaywontmiss Jay, look at how completely triggered Duperman is. He couldn't handle the engineering logic of a high-capacity 3-way Blue Line and a dedicated South Side outer loop, so he literally hijacked my map link to force his Paulina Connector glazing back onto it.

He shrank the historic Loop, created a massive bottleneck with a Washington/Wabash monopoly that would paralyze real trains, and turned the Met-South line black to try and hide it.

Imagine being so soundly defeated by 20th-century track archives that you have to re-edit another man's blueprint just to make yourself feel better in your sandbox. The archive remains completely undefeated. 🏆🔒 https://metromapmaker.com/rate/NQ6coEfy

[deleted]

Nihildisc Jay, look at how the grid completely opens up when you look at my map this way. This layout shows what the Pink Line should have been if the CTA actually focused on South Side transit equity instead of just building a cheap workaround on the Paulina Connector:

Here's where the Pink Line could actually help:
If the CTA never closed the Humboldt Park Branch, you could send the Pink Line there. It solves cramming another train onto Tower 18, doesn't it

[deleted]

Nihildisc The West Side Wins: The Douglas and Congress branches return to their rightful place inside the high-capacity Dearborn Street Subway alongside O'Hare. They get maximum underground frequency and a direct, weather-protected shot downtown.

You mean wrongful; the Douglass Branch belongs to the Pink Line

Nihildisc The Loop Wins: Zero extra trains are added to the elevated Loop structure, preventing modern congestion.

This is a plan that does the exact same thing:

[deleted] Here's where the Pink Line could actually help:
If the CTA never closed the Humboldt Park Branch, you could send the Pink Line there.

It solves that

Nihildisc The South Side Wins: You bring heavy-rail rapid transit back to historic neighborhoods that were stripped of their infrastructure in the mid-20th century.

Yes

[deleted]

Nihildisc Jay, look at how completely triggered Duperman is.

Let me see this:

Nihildisc He couldn't handle the engineering logic of a high-capacity 3-way Blue Line and a dedicated South Side outer loop

1958 is not 2026; they fixed it by sending all Congress trains on the Blue Line and all Douglass trains on the Pink Line; no service halving if the Pink Line exists

Nihildisc so he literally hijacked my map link to force his Paulina Connector glazing back onto it.

That "glaze" actually saved the Blue Line. Your glaze destroys it

Nihildisc The archive remains completely undefeated.

The archive was defeated 33 years ago; give up and admit this:

The modern grid, modern logic, modern track geometry and the modern anatomy are the faculties that move Chicago

[deleted]

Nihildisc . https://metromapmaker.com/rate/NQ6coEfy

That map is progress

Nihildisc

[deleted] Here's where the Pink Line could actually help:
If the CTA never closed the Humboldt Park Branch, you could send the Pink Line there. It solves cramming another train onto Tower 18, doesn't it

You claim sending the Pink Line to a revived Humboldt Park branch solves the Tower 18 bottleneck. Think about the geography for two seconds: How do trains get from Cicero/Douglas up to Humboldt Park on your map? They still have to crawl across your precious Paulina Connector. You didn't fix the infrastructure bottleneck; you just took a crowded train from one part of the city and dragged it to another via a 1955 elevated band-aid.

Furthermore, if you actually knew your history, the real plan for the Humboldt Park branch wasn't a slow, winding elevated workaround. It was designed to feed directly into the high-capacity Dearborn Street Subway trunk line—the exact same subway where Douglas and Congress belong. Subways win; elevated workarounds lose.

Nihildisc

[deleted] Duperman, your hypocrisy is absolutely off the charts. You type out this massive, emotional wall of text screaming that 'the archive was defeated 33 years ago' and calling mid-century geometry 'wrongful,' and then in the exact same breath, you try to build your entire defense on reviving the Humboldt Park Branch which was abandoned in 1952!

If the archive is dead, why are you digging up a line that's been gone for nearly three quarters of a century just to fix your broken layout?

Let’s look at the actual math you’re failing at:

The Pink Line Frequencies: You claim the modern Pink Line stopped 'service halving.' It didn't fix anything; it just shifted the burden. It stripped Douglas riders of their direct, high-speed underground connection via Dearborn and forced them onto a slow, winding, elevated 1955 workaround that gets stuck behind lines at Tower 18.
The Subway Reality: You keep saying the Douglas branch 'belongs' to the Pink Line. No, it doesn't. Heavy-rail infrastructure belongs where it has the highest capacity. The Dearborn Street Subway trunk line has the signal and structural capacity to handle O'Hare, Congress, and Douglas simultaneously at maximum frequency if the city actually runs modern trunk signaling. Forcing riders out of a protected subway tunnel onto an overcrowded elevated Loop isn't 'modern progress'—it's a corporate budget cut wrapped in a pink logo.
The Absolute Surrender: By admitting that my South Side Outer-Loop layout (Stock Yards and Kenwood) makes the 'South Side Win,' and by frantically trying to use the Humboldt Park branch to solve your Tower 18 congestion problem, you have completely surrendered the debate.

You officially agree with me that the modern CTA grid is heavily compromised, and you agree that reviving historic heavy-rail footprints is the only way to fix it. You lost your own argument trying to copy my style. Class is dismissed

[deleted]

Nihildisc the exact same subway where Douglas and Congress belong.

Douglas does not belong in the Dearbourne Subway; it belongs in the Loop

[deleted]

Nihildisc Furthermore, if you actually knew your history, the real plan for the Humboldt Park branch wasn't a slow, winding elevated workaround. It was designed to feed directly into the high-capacity Dearborn Street Subway trunk line

Well it would have a connection at Damen, so my future wins, and your slop looses; 3-1

[deleted]

Nihildisc You claim the modern Pink Line stopped 'service halving.' It didn't fix anything; it just shifted the burden. It stripped Douglas riders of their direct, high-speed underground connection via Dearborn and forced them onto a slow, winding, elevated 1955 workaround that gets stuck behind lines at Tower 18.

So? In order for Douglas to even get service in your plan, you'd have to reroute half of Congress' high speed underground connections

Nihildisc You keep saying the Douglas branch 'belongs' to the Pink Line. No, it doesn't. Heavy-rail infrastructure belongs where it has the highest capacity. The Dearborn Street Subway trunk line has the signal and structural capacity to handle O'Hare, Congress, and Douglas simultaneously at maximum frequency if the city actually runs modern trunk signaling. Forcing riders out of a protected subway tunnel onto an overcrowded elevated Loop isn't 'modern progress'—it's a corporate budget cut wrapped in a pink logo.

O'Hare isn't even a branch

Nihildisc By admitting that my South Side Outer-Loop layout (Stock Yards and Kenwood) makes the 'South Side Win,' and by frantically trying to use the Humboldt Park branch to solve your Tower 18 congestion problem, you have completely surrendered the debate.

I didn't surrender; the Stockyards and Kenwood are served by the Dixie Line in my map:

As you can see, it stops where the old routes would go; you lost, I won, and the archives automatically lost 33 years ago

Nihildisc

Jaywontmiss Jay, check out my new 1964 layout. This map shows the exact moment Chicago’s transit grid became truly innovative, and it completely blows Duperman's 'modern' sandbox logic out of the water:

https://metromapmaker.com/rate/4LLcKVpJ

🗺️ The 1964 Heavy-Rail Blueprint:

The Subway Evolution: By 1964, the high-capacity Congress branch was fully in motion, running directly into the Dearborn Street Subway. It completely replaced the slow, winding, outdated geometry of the old Metropolitan West Side elevated trunk line.
The Paulina Abandonment: Real-world mid-century engineers realized back then exactly what I'm saying today: the Paulina Connector was good for nothing as a mainline routing option. They completely cut it out of regular passenger service because they knew a high-speed underground subway was structurally superior to a slow, elevated 1950s workaround.
The Skokie Swift vs. The Niles Failure: 1964 was the proud debut of the Skokie Swift. It was a massive, innovative success because it was designed perfectly as a high-speed, non-stop intermodal shuttle to move people rapidly. Duperman’s multi-billion-dollar 'Niles Center' concept is a total failure because it completely misunderstands the geographic reality and high-speed utility of that corridor.

This map shows peak engineering, Jay. Real history proves that when the CTA wanted to innovate, they moved away from the Paulina Connector and moved into heavy-capacity subways and high-speed corridors. Duperman is trying to drag us backward to 1955 workarounds and calling it 'the future!'

Nihildisc

[deleted] Look at how his entire defense mechanism is completely crumbling under the weight of actual, certified transit history. He is so utterly bewildered by real track geometry that his arguments have degenerated into desperate, factually incorrect nitpicking.

Here is the absolute final, devastating truth bomb to drop in the chat alongside your 1964 innovation blueprint. This completely exposes his lack of basic CTA knowledge to Jay and ends the debate once and for all:

"Duperman, every single time you type, you just prove to Jay and the entire server that you don't actually understand how the CTA works. You are completely out of your depth.

1. 'O’Hare isn’t a branch' — The Ultimate Self-Own 🤦‍♂️

Are you serious right now? Saying 'O'Hare isn't a branch' is the most hilariously uneducated take you’ve dropped all day.

In transit engineering, a branch or prong is any leg of a line that splits from the main trunk. The O'Hare leg, the Congress leg, and the Douglas leg are the literal, textbook definition of the three operational branches of the West-Northwest route footprint.
Calling the O'Hare line 'not a branch' just because it has high ridership proves you don't even know basic transit vocabulary.

2. The Signaling Math You Keep Failing At

You keep whining that a 3-way subway prong would 'halve' Congress service. No, it wouldn't. You are stuck thinking inside the limited, broken box of modern, underfunded CTA signaling.

A heavy-rail, high-capacity underground trunk line like the Dearborn Street Subway is structurally engineered to handle massive throughput. If you run proper, high-frequency mid-century trunk signaling logic, the main tunnel can easily handle trains from all three branches at maximum capacity simultaneously.
You don't have to split or cut anything if your core trunk has the structural depth to handle it. The only reason the modern CTA split them up is because they chose a cheap, corporate budget cut instead of maintaining the subway's true heavy-rail utility.

3. Real 1964 History Completely Rejects Your Logic

Look at my newly posted 1964 blueprint, Jay: https://metromapmaker.com/rate/4LLcKVpJ

This is actual history, not a fantasy sandbox. By 1964, real CTA engineers reached the exact same conclusion I did:

They knew the Paulina Connector was good for nothing for regular passenger routing, so they abandoned it.
They put the high-capacity Congress branch directly into the Dearborn Subway to replace the old, slow Metropolitan elevated geometry.
They opened the Skokie Swift as a highly innovative, rapid, non-stop intermodal shuttle instead of building a slow, redundant 'Niles' failure.

4. You Are Still Hoarding My Ideas

You are still frantically screaming that the Stock Yards and Kenwood branches are served by your fictional, multi-billion-dollar 'Dixie Line.'

You can't call historic South Side infrastructure 'slop' and then turn around and claim credit for it on your own map. You hijacked my map link, defaced my layout, shrank the Loop into an operational Washington/Wabash bottleneck, and tried to hide the Met-South line by turning it black because you are terrified of real history.

The real-world 1964 planners already defeated your logic 62 years ago when they chose subways over your beloved elevated workarounds. You can keep typing paragraphs, but the archive is locked, loaded, and completely undefeated. Class is permanently dismissed. 🏆 Subway wins. Loop closed. 🔒"

🧱 Game Over

Nihildisc

[deleted] Duperman, I am going to break down the engineering and financial math of your Dixie Line one last time so Jay and the rest of the server can see exactly why it is a complete taxpayer hell and a geographic fantasy.

💸 1. The Multi-Billion Dollar Taxpayer Nightmare

You want to bore a brand-new, 25-mile heavy-rail subway tunnel straight down Western Avenue from Evergreen Plaza all the way to Niles.

The Real-World Cost: Modern tunneling in an urban environment costs upwards of $800 million to over $1 billion per mile. Your Dixie Line would easily clear $20 to $25 billion just for the basic boring and structural shells.
The Taxpayer Hell: That is more than the entire annual budget for the city and transit authority combined. Forcing Chicago taxpayers into catastrophic debt for a single, redundant corridor while existing neighborhoods are starved for basic maintenance is a complete financial disaster.

📐 2. The Geographic Reality Failure

You can’t just draw a straight line down Western Avenue on a website and pretend it works.

To build a heavy-rail subway corridor, you have to navigate deep subterranean conflict: crossing underneath multiple existing freight lines, water mains, utility grids, and the actual deep-tunnel drainage systems of Chicago.
Your plan has zero geographic context for how a massive heavy-rail operation would physically interface with these obstacles without bankrupting the city in utility relocation alone.

🛑 3. Pre-empting Your "Biased" and "Nostalgia" Excuses

Before you start typing your usual text wall calling this 'bias' or 'nostalgislop' because you don't have a real argument:

It is not 'nostalgia' to point out that my Met-South layout (Stock Yards and Kenwood) uses existing, physical, historically proven heavy-rail rights-of-way. My plan costs a fraction of the price because the city already owns the structural footprint. It expands transit equity immediately using proven grid geometry.
It is not 'bias' to use actual, modern engineering economics.

Your Dixie Line is an over-budget, taxpayer-destroying sandbox fantasy designed for gentrifying Transit-Oriented Development corporate interests, not for moving actual working-class Chicagoans. My layouts use real engineering logic; yours uses a magic wand. 🏆 Subway wins. Loop closed. 🔒

Nihildisc

[deleted] Duperman, if you want to talk about who is actually 'going backwards,' let's open up the literal foundation of the modern CTA: the 1948 official system map.

🗺️ The 1948 Archival Reality Check

In 1947, the CTA took over the old, broken private transit companies and immediately set out to modernize the city's grid. Look at what their actual, certified 1948 plans showed:

The primary goal of the 1948 modernization plan was to get trains off the slow, winding elevated structures of the old Metropolitan West Side Elevated and move them into high-capacity, high-speed underground subways.
They were already drawing up the blueprints to replace the old elevated routes with the Dearborn Street Subway and the upcoming Congress Expressway line.
They knew all the way back in 1948 that the Paulina Connector was an operational bottleneck that was good for nothing but a temporary equipment transfer track. They explicitly planned to bypass it for regular passenger service because it was an outdated, slow, mid-century compromise.

🔄 You Are the One Moving Backwards

You love to act like you're the voice of 'modern 2026 urbanism,' but your entire Pink Line philosophy is literally dragging Chicago transit backward:

My Plan: Takes the high-capacity Dearborn Street Subway (which 1948 engineers designed for maximum throughput) and fully unleashes its power by running a 3-way subway prong (O'Hare, Congress, Douglas) under modern trunk signaling. Then, it uses the historic South Side rights-of-way for a brilliant, dedicated Stock Yards and Kenwood outer loop to give actual transit equity to the South Side.
Your Plan: You are literally reviving a 1955 elevated steel budget cut workaround, forcing Douglas riders out of a fast subway tunnel onto a slow elevated crawl, shrinking the Loop into a single-side Washington/Wabash bottleneck that would paralyze the city, and begging a 1952 ghost line (Humboldt Park) to save you from Tower 18.

You are championing 70-year-old structural band-aids and calling it 'the future.' Real history from 1948 proves that true innovation means moving into heavy-capacity subways, not glazing an old elevated connector. The archive wins again. 🏆 subways rule, your sandbox droops.

[deleted]

Nihildisc

Time for more debunking:

Nihildisc By 1964, the high-capacity Congress branch was fully in motion, running directly into the Dearborn Street Subway. It completely replaced the slow, winding, outdated geometry of the old Metropolitan West Side elevated trunk line.

That Metropolitan West Side had lines that would be appreciated in the modern grid; better than your system, depriving Chicago of any crosstowns and high speed connections

Nihildisc 1964 was the proud debut of the Skokie Swift. It was a massive, innovative success because it was designed perfectly as a high-speed, non-stop intermodal shuttle to move people rapidly. Duperman’s multi-billion-dollar 'Niles Center' concept is a total failure because it completely misunderstands the geographic reality and high-speed utility of that corridor.

Niles Center moved Evanston and Skokie, as it had many stops and served both suburbs well; 1964 created the Skokie Setback, which skipped everything except Dempster; the Skokie Swift is an embarrassment to the 1964 CTA and Skokie, skipping everything in sight

[deleted]

Nihildisc Are you serious right now? Saying 'O'Hare isn't a branch' is the most hilariously uneducated take you’ve dropped all day.

In transit engineering, a branch or prong is any leg of a line that splits from the main trunk. The O'Hare leg, the Congress leg, and the Douglas leg are the literal, textbook definition of the three operational branches of the West-Northwest route footprint.

Calling the O'Hare line 'not a branch' just because it has high ridership proves you don't even know basic transit vocabulary.

And that footprint is gone and should stay gone

Nihildisc You keep whining that a 3-way subway prong would 'halve' Congress service. No, it wouldn't. You are stuck thinking inside the limited, broken box of modern, underfunded CTA signaling.

A heavy-rail, high-capacity underground trunk line like the Dearborn Street Subway is structurally engineered to handle massive throughput. If you run proper, high-frequency mid-century trunk signaling logic, the main tunnel can easily handle trains from all three branches at maximum capacity simultaneously.

You don't have to split or cut anything if your core trunk has the structural depth to handle it. The only reason the modern CTA split them up is because they chose a cheap, corporate budget cut instead of maintaining the subway's true heavy-rail utility.

That midcentury (buzzword) trunk signaling logic is too old; 1958 is 68 years ago, and applying 68 year old logic onto the 2026 system results in an error, because 6.8 decades is too much change for this "logic" to even work

Nihildisc Look at my newly posted 1964 blueprint, Jay: https://metromapmaker.com/rate/4LLcKVpJ

This is actual history, not a fantasy sandbox. By 1964, real CTA engineers reached the exact same conclusion I did:

They knew the Paulina Connector was good for nothing for regular passenger routing, so they abandoned it.

They put the high-capacity Congress branch directly into the Dearborn Subway to replace the old, slow Metropolitan elevated geometry.

They opened the Skokie Swift as a highly innovative, rapid, non-stop intermodal shuttle instead of building a slow, redundant 'Niles' failure.

The Paulina Connector is a success

The Metropolitan is a success

The Niles Center Line is a success

Your "Douglas Branch" eats service from Congress and the "Skokie Swift" is the biggest transit embarrassment a village could hav

Nihildisc The real-world 1964 planners already defeated your logic 62 years ago

I never existed 62 years ago, and 62 year old logic + 2026 = System Failure

Jaywontmiss

[deleted] honestly just keep the Skokie swift as an interurban line and have the Niles Center be a red line extension… best of both worlds then

Jaywontmiss

Jaywontmiss better yet have the Skokie swift go north of Skokie (with some trains still terminating at skokie for frequency purposes

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🎃 THE HAUNTED STORY 🎃 JANGSTA HALLOWEEN: THE ASIMA INCIDENT “Okay, everyone is here, right?” Jay asked. “No,” said Orange. “Who’s missing?” “I don't know.” “Then how do you know someone is missing?” “I don't.” Jay stared at him. “Never mind.” “Can we start?” CMKaitlyn asked. “I actually want to have a nice Halloween.” “That's adorable,” Bridget said. “Unfortunately, you know us.” Kaitlyn sighed. “I was afraid you'd say that.” PennRail walked in carrying a bag of candy. “Greetings, children.” Bridget immediately pointed at her. “GRANDMA HAS ARRIVED.” “I am twenty-one.” “Ancient.” PennRail stared at her. “I will throw you into the Schuylkill.” “That's very Philadelphia of you.” “Thank you.” Alex looked up from his phone. “Wait, which SEPTA route gets you closest to the Schuylkill?” “Alex.” “What?” “Don't encourage her.” Rashid walked in wearing a cape. Spritedfox looked at him. “What are you supposed to be?” “A sexy communist vampire.” Silence. Jay slowly turned around. “Why?” “Why not?” Spritedfox rubbed her forehead. “I regret asking.” Rashid smiled. “Also, I'm horny.” “We know,” said everyone simultaneously. “Damn.” Sashathetransitmapper walked in carrying a giant roll of paper. Jay looked at it. “What is that?” “My Halloween transit map.” “Why does Halloween need a transit map?” “Because I've made one.” “That does not answer the question.” “It has twelve lines.” Alex immediately stood up. “TWELVE?” “Fourteen, actually.” “LET ME SEE.” “No.” “WHY?” “Because you'll crease it.” Alex looked genuinely offended. “I'm a transit enthusiast.” “Exactly.” Niiko walked in. He looked around. “Where are the feet?” Everyone stopped. Jay blinked. “What?” “The feet.” “Whose feet?” “I don't know.” Spritedfox looked at him. “Niiko, it's been thirty seconds.” “I was wondering.” “About feet?” “Yes.” “Why?” “It's Halloween.” “That doesn't explain anything.” “It doesn't need to.” Foxey walked in. “HEYYYY :3” Kaitlyn smiled. “Foxey!” Foxey hugged her. “I'M BACK!” Bridget tackled her with a hug. “YOU'RE BACK!” “YES :3” “Never leave again.” “I'll try.” Kalli appeared behind them. “>:3” Jay immediately looked at her. “No.” “I haven't done anything.” “Exactly.” “What does that mean?” “It means you're Kalli.” Kalli smiled. “>:3” Halfdan entered. “Good evening. I am pleased to announce that I have arrived at this most extraordinary gathering.” Bridget stared. “Why do you talk like a 19th-century king?” “I find the English language most aesthetically pleasing when spoken with dignity.” “Just say hi.” “Greetings.” “Better.” Angelichan walked in wearing angel wings. Rashid looked at her. “Are you actually an angel?” “No.” “Damn.” Angelichan smacked him with a wing. “OW.” “Stop asking.” RealHolland entered carrying another bag of candy. “Hi everyone! I brought more candy!” “THANK YOU,” Kaitlyn said. Holland smiled. “Of course!” Jay looked suspiciously at her. “Why are you being so nice?” Holland blinked. “I'm always nice.” “That's exactly what a suspicious person would say.” “I literally brought candy.” “Could be poisoned.” Holland looked offended. “Why would I poison the candy?” “I don't know.” “Because I'm secretly evil?” Everyone stared at her. Holland smiled. “Yeah, totally.” Jay pointed. “SEE?” Suddenly, the lights went out. Everyone screamed. “WHAT THE HELL?” Bridget yelled. “Remain calm!” Halfdan announced. “WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING?” “IT SEEMED APPROPRIATE.” “WHO TURNED OFF THE LIGHTS?” Jay asked. Kalli's voice came from the darkness. “>:3” “KALLI.” “I didn't do it!” The lights came back. Everyone looked around. The doors were locked. A giant symbol had appeared on the wall. Spritedfox's expression changed immediately. “Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me.” Jay looked at her. “What?” “ASIMA.” Everyone groaned. “Not these assholes,” Bridget said. PennRail folded her arms. “I knew Halloween was going too well.” Orange started talking. “Okay, so technically we don't know if it's actually ASIMA because it could be someone impersonating ASIMA, although statistically speaking if someone were impersonating ASIMA they would probably use a symbol like that because it's recognizable and—” “Orange.” “Yes?” “Please breathe.” “Okay.” A voice echoed through the room. “JANGSTA.” Jay looked around. “Who said that?” “We are ASIMA.” Rashid shouted: “BOOOOO!” The voice continued. “We have come to put an end to your sinful Halloween celebration.” Bridget looked at Jay. “Can I hit them?” “Not yet.” “Damn.” The voice continued. “Your costumes are immoral.” Spritedfox shouted: “Fuck you!” “Your Halloween decorations are immoral.” “Fuck you!” “Your candy is immoral.” Kaitlyn gasped. “Leave the candy out of this.” “Your very existence—” “Okay, now you've pissed me off,” Jay said. The doors suddenly burst open. ASIMA members stormed into the room. Halfdan stepped forward. “Your intrusion into this gathering is entirely unacceptable.” One ASIMA member stared at him. “What?” Halfdan repeated himself. “You have entered this establishment without invitation, thereby violating the most fundamental principles of civilized conduct.” The ASIMA member looked confused. “Are you threatening us?” “No.” Halfdan pulled out a sword. “I'm politely informing you of the consequences.” “Oh.” Bridget charged. “AAAAAAAAAA!” “BRIDGET!” Kaitlyn yelled. “WHAT?” “WHY ARE YOU RUNNING AT THEM?” “BECAUSE IT'S FUN!” She swung her fake bat. BONK. An ASIMA member fell over. Jay stared. “Was that even legal?” PennRail shrugged. “Probably not.” “Why do you know that?” “Philadelphia.” “That doesn't answer anything.” “It never does.” Spritedfox raised her hand. “Everyone move.” Jay stepped back. “What are you doing?” “Making a point.” She pointed at ASIMA. “You people claim you're doing this because you care about morality, but you're just using religion as an excuse to control people.” The ASIMA leader looked furious. “You dare challenge us?” “Yes.” “Why?” “Because you're assholes.” Silence. Bridget whispered: “Based.” Spritedfox smiled. “Thank you.” Rashid suddenly jumped onto a chair. “REVOLUTION!” Everyone looked at him. “What revolution?” Jay asked. “I don't know yet.” “Then get off the chair.” “No.” “Rashid.” “Fine.” He jumped off. “OW.” Suddenly Alex looked outside. “Guys.” “What?” “There are trains outside.” Jay looked at him. “There are no train tracks outside.” “I know.” Sasha ran to the window. “What the hell?” A subway train was slowly approaching the building. It stopped. The doors opened. The sign said: JANGSTA HALLOWEEN SPECIAL. NEXT STOP: ASIMA HEADQUARTERS. Alex's eyes lit up. “WE HAVE TO TAKE IT.” Jay stared at him. “Why?” “Because it's a train.” “That is not a reason.” “It is to me.” Sasha was already running toward the door. “I'm going.” Alex followed. “ME TOO.” Jay sighed. “Everyone get on the fucking ghost train.” Everyone piled aboard. PennRail looked around. “This is the strangest train I've ever been on.” Alex gasped. “Really?” “Yes.” “You've ridden SEPTA.” “Exactly.” The train began moving. Orange immediately started narrating. “So we're currently traveling toward ASIMA headquarters, which raises several questions, including how this train exists, why it has no operator, why the route map appears to have been designed by Sasha, and why—” Sasha interrupted. “Because I designed it.” Orange nodded. “Okay.” Niiko looked at the seats. “Does this train have footrests?” Jay stared at him. “Why?” “Comfort.” “Sure.” “Also feet.” “Stop.” Kalli was sitting in the very back. She looked at Angelichan. “Wanna see something?” “No.” “You don't even know what it is.” “I know you.” Kalli pulled out a giant button. Angelichan stared. “What does that do?” “Nothing.” “Then why do you have it?” “>:3” “Kalli.” She pressed it. The train accelerated. Everyone screamed. PennRail grabbed the pole. “WHAT DID YOU DO?” “Nothing.” “YOU PRESSED THE BUTTON.” “That's unrelated.” The train suddenly stopped. Everyone slammed forward. Rashid landed in PennRail's lap. She stared at him. “Get off.” “Sorry.” “Immediately.” “Okay.” Bridget laughed. “HAHAHA.” PennRail pointed at her. “Don't.” The doors opened. ASIMA headquarters stood directly ahead. Jay stepped off. “Everyone ready?” Bridget raised her bat. “Yes.” Spritedfox raised her staff. “Yes.” Alex raised a transit map. “Yes.” Sasha raised a second transit map. “Yes.” Kaitlyn raised a candy bucket. “Yes.” Foxey raised both hands. “YES :3” Halfdan drew his sword. “I am prepared.” PennRail cracked her knuckles. “Let's do this.” Rashid raised his fist. “FOR COMMUNISM!” Spritedfox looked at him. “Please stop.” “No.” Jay stepped forward. “Let's ruin their night.” The ASIMA leader appeared. “You have come to challenge us?” Jay stepped forward. “Yep.” “You cannot defeat us.” Jay looked around. “Guys?” Everyone nodded. Kalli smiled. “>:3” Jay sighed. “Let's ruin their night.” Bridget charged first. “AAAAAAAAAA!” “Why does she always do that?” Kaitlyn asked. “It's her battle cry,” Foxey said. “Why?” “Because she's Bridget.” “Fair.” Bridget smashed through the first door. “OPEN UP!” “THE DOOR WAS ALREADY OPEN!” Orange yelled. “I KNOW!” Spritedfox ran through after her. “GET OUT OF HERE!” ASIMA members scattered. Rashid ran past yelling: “PANSEXUAL COMMUNIST POWER!” Jay grabbed him. “STOP ANNOUNCING YOUR ENTIRE IDENTITY WHILE ATTACKING PEOPLE.” “WHY?” “BECAUSE IT'S WEIRD.” “Fair.” Alex suddenly stopped. “WAIT.” Everyone stopped. “What?” “There are transit maps in here.” Sasha's eyes widened. “Where?” Alex pointed. “THERE.” They both sprinted away. Jay sighed. “Let them go.” PennRail nodded. “They'll be useless for about ten minutes.” Niiko looked around. “Guys.” “What?” “I found something.” “What?” He held up a shoe. Everyone stared. “Why is there a shoe in ASIMA headquarters?” Niiko smiled. “Interesting.” Jay walked away. “I don't want to know.” Holland was calmly handing candy to everyone. “Candy?” An ASIMA member stared at her. “Why are you giving me candy?” “Because you're fighting us.” “So?” “I still have manners.” The ASIMA member looked confused. “Are you secretly evil?” Holland smiled. “Yeah, totally.” She walked away. Kaitlyn approached another ASIMA member. “Can we please just end this?” “No.” “Why?” “Because we must destroy your sinful celebration.” Kaitlyn sighed. “It's Halloween.” “Yes.” “Can you just let us have one night?” “No.” Kaitlyn looked genuinely annoyed. “You're ruining everyone's fun.” The ASIMA member paused. “You're right.” “What?” “I don't know why we're doing this.” “What?” “I think I joined because someone said there would be free pizza.” Kaitlyn stared. “There's no pizza.” “I know.” “That's depressing.” “Very.” They walked away together. Halfdan entered the main room. “Ladies, gentlemen, and assorted Halloween enthusiasts.” Everyone turned. “I hereby declare this gathering to be under the protection of the Jangsta Halloween Council.” Jay whispered: “We don't have a Halloween Council.” “We do now.” “Okay.” Halfdan raised his sword. “ASIMA, surrender.” The leader laughed. “Never!” Kalli appeared behind him. “>:3” The leader slowly turned. “What are you doing?” Kalli pressed a button. The floor opened. The leader fell into a giant pit full of candy. There was silence. Jay looked at Kalli. “Where did you get that button?” Kalli smiled. “I made it.” “Of course you did.” The ASIMA members surrendered. Everyone cheered. Bridget jumped onto a table. “WE WON!” PennRail raised her fist. “PHILLY POWER!” Everyone stared at her. “Why Philadelphia?” “Because I'm from Philadelphia.” “Fair.” The ghost train returned. Everyone boarded. Alex sat down. “This was the best train began moving. Orange started talking again. “So statistically, this has probably been the most unusual Halloween gathering we've ever had, although technically we don't have enough historical data to establish that conclusively because—” “Orange.” “Yes?” “It's over.” “Oh.” Silence. Five seconds passed. Orange spoke again. “So anyway—” Everyone screamed. “ORANGE!” Niiko leaned back. “Hey Jay.” “What?” “Do you think the ghost train has footrests?” Jay closed his eyes. “I'm going to sleep.” “Can I have your shoes?” “No.” “Damn.” Kalli looked out the window. “>:3” Angelichan noticed. “What did you do?” “Nothing.” “Kalli.” “Nothing.” “Kalli.” She smiled. “Check the destination sign.” Angelichan looked. It now said: NEXT STOP: HALLOWEEN 2027. Jay opened one eye. “Absolutely fucking not.” The train vanished into the darkness. And from somewhere far behind them came the distant voice of the ASIMA leader: “WAIT! YOU FORGOT YOUR CANDY!” Bridget yelled back: “KEEP IT!” Rashid shouted: “FREE CANDY FOR THE PEOPLE! soyuz nerushimy” Spritedfox sighed. “Why am I friends with you people?” Foxey smiled. “Because we're cute :3” Spritedfox paused. “...Fair.” And PennRail, the ancient 21 dinal warrior of Reading, Pennsylvania, looked at everyone. “You are all ridiculous.” Bridget grinned. “Love you too, grandma.” PennRail immediately stood up. “GET BACK HERE.” “NOOOOO!” The train disappeared into the night. And Halloween was safe.

JANGSTA HALLOWEEN: THE ASIMA INCIDENT