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🎃 THE HAUNTED STORY 🎃 JANGSTA HALLOWEEN: THE ASIMA INCIDENT “Okay, everyone is here, right?” Jay asked. “No,” said Orange. “Who’s missing?” “I don't know.” “Then how do you know someone is missing?” “I don't.” Jay stared at him. “Never mind.” “Can we start?” CMKaitlyn asked. “I actually want to have a nice Halloween.” “That's adorable,” Bridget said. “Unfortunately, you know us.” Kaitlyn sighed. “I was afraid you'd say that.” PennRail walked in carrying a bag of candy. “Greetings, children.” Bridget immediately pointed at her. “GRANDMA HAS ARRIVED.” “I am twenty-one.” “Ancient.” PennRail stared at her. “I will throw you into the Schuylkill.” “That's very Philadelphia of you.” “Thank you.” Alex looked up from his phone. “Wait, which SEPTA route gets you closest to the Schuylkill?” “Alex.” “What?” “Don't encourage her.” Rashid walked in wearing a cape. Spritedfox looked at him. “What are you supposed to be?” “A sexy communist vampire.” Silence. Jay slowly turned around. “Why?” “Why not?” Spritedfox rubbed her forehead. “I regret asking.” Rashid smiled. “Also, I'm horny.” “We know,” said everyone simultaneously. “Damn.” Sashathetransitmapper walked in carrying a giant roll of paper. Jay looked at it. “What is that?” “My Halloween transit map.” “Why does Halloween need a transit map?” “Because I've made one.” “That does not answer the question.” “It has twelve lines.” Alex immediately stood up. “TWELVE?” “Fourteen, actually.” “LET ME SEE.” “No.” “WHY?” “Because you'll crease it.” Alex looked genuinely offended. “I'm a transit enthusiast.” “Exactly.” Niiko walked in. He looked around. “Where are the feet?” Everyone stopped. Jay blinked. “What?” “The feet.” “Whose feet?” “I don't know.” Spritedfox looked at him. “Niiko, it's been thirty seconds.” “I was wondering.” “About feet?” “Yes.” “Why?” “It's Halloween.” “That doesn't explain anything.” “It doesn't need to.” Foxey walked in. “HEYYYY :3” Kaitlyn smiled. “Foxey!” Foxey hugged her. “I'M BACK!” Bridget tackled her with a hug. “YOU'RE BACK!” “YES :3” “Never leave again.” “I'll try.” Kalli appeared behind them. “>:3” Jay immediately looked at her. “No.” “I haven't done anything.” “Exactly.” “What does that mean?” “It means you're Kalli.” Kalli smiled. “>:3” Halfdan entered. “Good evening. I am pleased to announce that I have arrived at this most extraordinary gathering.” Bridget stared. “Why do you talk like a 19th-century king?” “I find the English language most aesthetically pleasing when spoken with dignity.” “Just say hi.” “Greetings.” “Better.” Angelichan walked in wearing angel wings. Rashid looked at her. “Are you actually an angel?” “No.” “Damn.” Angelichan smacked him with a wing. “OW.” “Stop asking.” RealHolland entered carrying another bag of candy. “Hi everyone! I brought more candy!” “THANK YOU,” Kaitlyn said. Holland smiled. “Of course!” Jay looked suspiciously at her. “Why are you being so nice?” Holland blinked. “I'm always nice.” “That's exactly what a suspicious person would say.” “I literally brought candy.” “Could be poisoned.” Holland looked offended. “Why would I poison the candy?” “I don't know.” “Because I'm secretly evil?” Everyone stared at her. Holland smiled. “Yeah, totally.” Jay pointed. “SEE?” Suddenly, the lights went out. Everyone screamed. “WHAT THE HELL?” Bridget yelled. “Remain calm!” Halfdan announced. “WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING?” “IT SEEMED APPROPRIATE.” “WHO TURNED OFF THE LIGHTS?” Jay asked. Kalli's voice came from the darkness. “>:3” “KALLI.” “I didn't do it!” The lights came back. Everyone looked around. The doors were locked. A giant symbol had appeared on the wall. Spritedfox's expression changed immediately. “Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me.” Jay looked at her. “What?” “ASIMA.” Everyone groaned. “Not these assholes,” Bridget said. PennRail folded her arms. “I knew Halloween was going too well.” Orange started talking. “Okay, so technically we don't know if it's actually ASIMA because it could be someone impersonating ASIMA, although statistically speaking if someone were impersonating ASIMA they would probably use a symbol like that because it's recognizable and—” “Orange.” “Yes?” “Please breathe.” “Okay.” A voice echoed through the room. “JANGSTA.” Jay looked around. “Who said that?” “We are ASIMA.” Rashid shouted: “BOOOOO!” The voice continued. “We have come to put an end to your sinful Halloween celebration.” Bridget looked at Jay. “Can I hit them?” “Not yet.” “Damn.” The voice continued. “Your costumes are immoral.” Spritedfox shouted: “Fuck you!” “Your Halloween decorations are immoral.” “Fuck you!” “Your candy is immoral.” Kaitlyn gasped. “Leave the candy out of this.” “Your very existence—” “Okay, now you've pissed me off,” Jay said. The doors suddenly burst open. ASIMA members stormed into the room. Halfdan stepped forward. “Your intrusion into this gathering is entirely unacceptable.” One ASIMA member stared at him. “What?” Halfdan repeated himself. “You have entered this establishment without invitation, thereby violating the most fundamental principles of civilized conduct.” The ASIMA member looked confused. “Are you threatening us?” “No.” Halfdan pulled out a sword. “I'm politely informing you of the consequences.” “Oh.” Bridget charged. “AAAAAAAAAA!” “BRIDGET!” Kaitlyn yelled. “WHAT?” “WHY ARE YOU RUNNING AT THEM?” “BECAUSE IT'S FUN!” She swung her fake bat. BONK. An ASIMA member fell over. Jay stared. “Was that even legal?” PennRail shrugged. “Probably not.” “Why do you know that?” “Philadelphia.” “That doesn't answer anything.” “It never does.” Spritedfox raised her hand. “Everyone move.” Jay stepped back. “What are you doing?” “Making a point.” She pointed at ASIMA. “You people claim you're doing this because you care about morality, but you're just using religion as an excuse to control people.” The ASIMA leader looked furious. “You dare challenge us?” “Yes.” “Why?” “Because you're assholes.” Silence. Bridget whispered: “Based.” Spritedfox smiled. “Thank you.” Rashid suddenly jumped onto a chair. “REVOLUTION!” Everyone looked at him. “What revolution?” Jay asked. “I don't know yet.” “Then get off the chair.” “No.” “Rashid.” “Fine.” He jumped off. “OW.” Suddenly Alex looked outside. “Guys.” “What?” “There are trains outside.” Jay looked at him. “There are no train tracks outside.” “I know.” Sasha ran to the window. “What the hell?” A subway train was slowly approaching the building. It stopped. The doors opened. The sign said: JANGSTA HALLOWEEN SPECIAL. NEXT STOP: ASIMA HEADQUARTERS. Alex's eyes lit up. “WE HAVE TO TAKE IT.” Jay stared at him. “Why?” “Because it's a train.” “That is not a reason.” “It is to me.” Sasha was already running toward the door. “I'm going.” Alex followed. “ME TOO.” Jay sighed. “Everyone get on the fucking ghost train.” Everyone piled aboard. PennRail looked around. “This is the strangest train I've ever been on.” Alex gasped. “Really?” “Yes.” “You've ridden SEPTA.” “Exactly.” The train began moving. Orange immediately started narrating. “So we're currently traveling toward ASIMA headquarters, which raises several questions, including how this train exists, why it has no operator, why the route map appears to have been designed by Sasha, and why—” Sasha interrupted. “Because I designed it.” Orange nodded. “Okay.” Niiko looked at the seats. “Does this train have footrests?” Jay stared at him. “Why?” “Comfort.” “Sure.” “Also feet.” “Stop.” Kalli was sitting in the very back. She looked at Angelichan. “Wanna see something?” “No.” “You don't even know what it is.” “I know you.” Kalli pulled out a giant button. Angelichan stared. “What does that do?” “Nothing.” “Then why do you have it?” “>:3” “Kalli.” She pressed it. The train accelerated. Everyone screamed. PennRail grabbed the pole. “WHAT DID YOU DO?” “Nothing.” “YOU PRESSED THE BUTTON.” “That's unrelated.” The train suddenly stopped. Everyone slammed forward. Rashid landed in PennRail's lap. She stared at him. “Get off.” “Sorry.” “Immediately.” “Okay.” Bridget laughed. “HAHAHA.” PennRail pointed at her. “Don't.” The doors opened. ASIMA headquarters stood directly ahead. Jay stepped off. “Everyone ready?” Bridget raised her bat. “Yes.” Spritedfox raised her staff. “Yes.” Alex raised a transit map. “Yes.” Sasha raised a second transit map. “Yes.” Kaitlyn raised a candy bucket. “Yes.” Foxey raised both hands. “YES :3” Halfdan drew his sword. “I am prepared.” PennRail cracked her knuckles. “Let's do this.” Rashid raised his fist. “FOR COMMUNISM!” Spritedfox looked at him. “Please stop.” “No.” Jay stepped forward. “Let's ruin their night.” The ASIMA leader appeared. “You have come to challenge us?” Jay stepped forward. “Yep.” “You cannot defeat us.” Jay looked around. “Guys?” Everyone nodded. Kalli smiled. “>:3” Jay sighed. “Let's ruin their night.” Bridget charged first. “AAAAAAAAAA!” “Why does she always do that?” Kaitlyn asked. “It's her battle cry,” Foxey said. “Why?” “Because she's Bridget.” “Fair.” Bridget smashed through the first door. “OPEN UP!” “THE DOOR WAS ALREADY OPEN!” Orange yelled. “I KNOW!” Spritedfox ran through after her. “GET OUT OF HERE!” ASIMA members scattered. Rashid ran past yelling: “PANSEXUAL COMMUNIST POWER!” Jay grabbed him. “STOP ANNOUNCING YOUR ENTIRE IDENTITY WHILE ATTACKING PEOPLE.” “WHY?” “BECAUSE IT'S WEIRD.” “Fair.” Alex suddenly stopped. “WAIT.” Everyone stopped. “What?” “There are transit maps in here.” Sasha's eyes widened. “Where?” Alex pointed. “THERE.” They both sprinted away. Jay sighed. “Let them go.” PennRail nodded. “They'll be useless for about ten minutes.” Niiko looked around. “Guys.” “What?” “I found something.” “What?” He held up a shoe. Everyone stared. “Why is there a shoe in ASIMA headquarters?” Niiko smiled. “Interesting.” Jay walked away. “I don't want to know.” Holland was calmly handing candy to everyone. “Candy?” An ASIMA member stared at her. “Why are you giving me candy?” “Because you're fighting us.” “So?” “I still have manners.” The ASIMA member looked confused. “Are you secretly evil?” Holland smiled. “Yeah, totally.” She walked away. Kaitlyn approached another ASIMA member. “Can we please just end this?” “No.” “Why?” “Because we must destroy your sinful celebration.” Kaitlyn sighed. “It's Halloween.” “Yes.” “Can you just let us have one night?” “No.” Kaitlyn looked genuinely annoyed. “You're ruining everyone's fun.” The ASIMA member paused. “You're right.” “What?” “I don't know why we're doing this.” “What?” “I think I joined because someone said there would be free pizza.” Kaitlyn stared. “There's no pizza.” “I know.” “That's depressing.” “Very.” They walked away together. Halfdan entered the main room. “Ladies, gentlemen, and assorted Halloween enthusiasts.” Everyone turned. “I hereby declare this gathering to be under the protection of the Jangsta Halloween Council.” Jay whispered: “We don't have a Halloween Council.” “We do now.” “Okay.” Halfdan raised his sword. “ASIMA, surrender.” The leader laughed. “Never!” Kalli appeared behind him. “>:3” The leader slowly turned. “What are you doing?” Kalli pressed a button. The floor opened. The leader fell into a giant pit full of candy. There was silence. Jay looked at Kalli. “Where did you get that button?” Kalli smiled. “I made it.” “Of course you did.” The ASIMA members surrendered. Everyone cheered. Bridget jumped onto a table. “WE WON!” PennRail raised her fist. “PHILLY POWER!” Everyone stared at her. “Why Philadelphia?” “Because I'm from Philadelphia.” “Fair.” The ghost train returned. Everyone boarded. Alex sat down. “This was the best train began moving. Orange started talking again. “So statistically, this has probably been the most unusual Halloween gathering we've ever had, although technically we don't have enough historical data to establish that conclusively because—” “Orange.” “Yes?” “It's over.” “Oh.” Silence. Five seconds passed. Orange spoke again. “So anyway—” Everyone screamed. “ORANGE!” Niiko leaned back. “Hey Jay.” “What?” “Do you think the ghost train has footrests?” Jay closed his eyes. “I'm going to sleep.” “Can I have your shoes?” “No.” “Damn.” Kalli looked out the window. “>:3” Angelichan noticed. “What did you do?” “Nothing.” “Kalli.” “Nothing.” “Kalli.” She smiled. “Check the destination sign.” Angelichan looked. It now said: NEXT STOP: HALLOWEEN 2027. Jay opened one eye. “Absolutely fucking not.” The train vanished into the darkness. And from somewhere far behind them came the distant voice of the ASIMA leader: “WAIT! YOU FORGOT YOUR CANDY!” Bridget yelled back: “KEEP IT!” Rashid shouted: “FREE CANDY FOR THE PEOPLE! soyuz nerushimy” Spritedfox sighed. “Why am I friends with you people?” Foxey smiled. “Because we're cute :3” Spritedfox paused. “...Fair.” And PennRail, the ancient 21 dinal warrior of Reading, Pennsylvania, looked at everyone. “You are all ridiculous.” Bridget grinned. “Love you too, grandma.” PennRail immediately stood up. “GET BACK HERE.” “NOOOOO!” The train disappeared into the night. And Halloween was safe.
JANGSTA HALLOWEEN: THE ASIMA INCIDENT

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