"" The Spookution has begun!

🎃

Ok why do you believe the CTA should regress

Nihildisc

[deleted] Who needs the humbolt park branch?

Nihildisc

Jaywontmiss Jay, the reason Duperman is so obsessed with bringing back the old Metropolitan West Side Elevated geometry is that he’s misdiagnosing the problem. He’s looking at the West-Northwest transit corridor, seeing that it feels disconnected and 'car-centric,' and his only reaction is to try and resurrect the 1905-era wooden structure to 'fix' it.

The Real Anatomy of the Problem

The Congress Branch isn't just a transit line; it’s a highway-median survivor.

In the 1950s, the Eisenhower Expressway was forced through the heart of the West Side, bulldozing thousands of homes and businesses. CTA engineers weren't trying to make a 'car-centric' line; they were performing a rescue mission. They placed the rail line in the median as a defense mechanism to ensure heavy rail survived the automobile era.

Why Congress Was the Ultimate Successor

When the Congress Branch replaced that old Met structure in 1958, it wasn't just a new line—it was a total paradigm shift in engineering:

Subway Integration: The Congress Branch was the missing piece that allowed the CTA to funnel West Side riders directly into the high-capacity Dearborn Street Subway. This bypassed the congested Loop elevated tracks entirely, allowing for faster, more reliable service that was weather-protected.
Geometric Superiority: Where the old 'L' crawled through slow, tight curves and outdated industrial corridors, the Congress median was built for speed. It provided a direct, straight-line shot into the city, essentially cutting commute times significantly compared to the old elevated crawl.
A Survival Strategy: The most critical part of this history is that the Congress line was a defense mechanism. When the Eisenhower Expressway was forced through, the city was at risk of becoming completely car-dominated. Putting the rail line in the median ensured that heavy-rail transit remained the backbone of the corridor, protected from traffic and guaranteed a permanent right-of-way.

The Bottom Line

Duperman keeps romanticizing those old Met tracks because he’s focused on the 'look' of the history, but he ignores the utility. The Congress Branch was a cold, calculated, and brilliant engineering move to prioritize throughput and speed over the outdated, slow-speed wooden structures of the past.

If we had kept the old Met, we’d be running 1905-era equipment on 1905-era geometry, and the city’s transit grid would have likely collapsed under the weight of suburban growth decades ago. The Congress Branch was the best replacement possible—it moved the city into the subway era and saved heavy-rail's relevance for the next century."

Do you think that prioritizing the "expressway-median" model was the right trade-off, or do you think there was a way to achieve that same high-speed capacity without sacrificing the walkability of the neighborhoods the line passed through?

Nihildisc

[deleted] Duperman, I appreciate you finally looking at the geometry and recognizing the structural value of the Stock Yards and Kenwood footprints. You're right—it is a 'good plan' precisely because it avoids the pitfalls of the sandbox fantasies we were debating earlier.

The Engineering Truth

When you strip away the 'slop' accusations and the 'nostalgislop' labels, what you're left with is the core of civil engineering:

Efficiency: Utilizing legacy footprints that are already cleared and grade-separated is how you actually build high-capacity transit without bankrupting the city.
Resilience: Building an interlocking network where the subway and elevated lines support each other—rather than competing for the same track space at Tower 18—is the only way to make the Chicago transit grid truly immune to single-point failures.

Moving Forward

If we can agree that the goal is a resilient, high-capacity, and fiscally responsible transit grid that actually serves the neighborhoods it crosses—instead of just drawing long, impossible lines on a map—then we’re finally speaking the same language.

Jaywontmiss

Nihildisc yeah the stockyards/kenwood would happen before this

Nihildisc

[deleted] Duperman, if you’re at the point where you’re hallucinating what Jay said just to keep your argument alive, it’s time to step away from the keyboard.

1. The BRT Reality Check

You claim BRT is a 'failure' because it can't cross intersections, which proves you don't understand how Signal Priority works in modern transit engineering. Dedicated lanes combined with transit signal priority (TSP) allow buses to hold green lights through intersections, keeping them moving at the same effective speed as a train, but at 5% of the capital cost. It's not 'getting stuck'—it's smart traffic management.

2. The 'Liar' Accusation

You’re accusing me of lying about Jay’s take on the Skokie Swift? Jay is right there in the chat. He clearly expressed interest in the high-speed, intermodal shuttle model. You’re so desperate to defend your 'Embarraswift' smear that you're trying to put words in Jay’s mouth.

3. The Final Scoreboard

Let’s recap your 'victory' record:

You claimed an $80-billion Western Avenue subway tunnel would 'pay for itself.' (Math failure)
You claimed the Congress Branch median is 'car-centric' only when I pointed it out, then immediately pivoted to calling it 'innovative' when I proved it was the foundation of the modern grid. (Ideological failure)
You’re trying to build heavy-rail infrastructure to solve a 'traffic light' problem that costs a millionth of the price to fix with signaling. (Engineering failure)

You can call the archives 'defeated' and scream 'LIAR' all you want, but the physical infrastructure of Chicago doesn't care about your caps lock. The subways are in the ground, the median lines are in the highway, and your $25-billion fantasy map is still just a drawing on a website.

Nihildisc

Jaywontmiss Jay, if you want to see why the CTA’s mid-century expansion was so brilliant, just look at the 1969 system map. This is the document that proves why the 'Subway-Median' integration was a masterstroke, not just for 1964, but for the entire city's future.

Why 1969 Was the Peak of Transit Innovation:

The Congress-Dearborn Trunk: By 1969, the Congress median was fully humming, funneling heavy rail directly into the Dearborn Street Subway. This was the first time Chicago truly had a high-speed, traffic-proof spine that could move massive volumes of people without getting bogged down in street-level congestion.
The Dan Ryan Extension: 1969 was the era that proved the 'median-running' concept worked on a massive scale. By extending the Red Line down the Dan Ryan Expressway, the CTA connected the South Side to the Loop with a high-capacity line that bypassed all city traffic. It was the blueprint for modern rapid transit.
The Skokie Swift (Intermodal Pioneer): By 1969, the Skokie Swift had cemented itself as the model for suburban-to-urban transit. It didn't try to be a 'slow-crawl' neighborhood bus; it was a high-speed intermodal shuttle that respected the suburban reality of car-heavy geography by providing a massive, dedicated transit artery.

The Lesson for Duperman:

Duperman, you keep calling these 'Embarraswift' or 'car-centric,' but 1969 proves you wrong. These weren't 'highway projects'—they were transit projects that seized the only available rights-of-way to ensure heavy rail didn't vanish in the face of post-war sprawl.

Your $25-billion Western Avenue fantasy tries to recreate this exact same 'straight-line' capacity, but you want to do it by digging a new tunnel that the city can't afford, while ignoring the high-capacity, grade-separated corridors that already exist in the 1969 map.
The 1969 map is the definition of functional design: It prioritized throughput, speed, and grid connectivity. It didn't rely on 'speculation' or 'real estate pipe dreams.' It used engineering logic that still powers the city today.

Jay, when you look at that 1969 map, you don't see 'nostalgislop.' You see a city that knew how to build big and fast using the tools it had. That’s the vision we should be applying to the Stock Yards/Kenwood footprints—not 'sandbox speculation,' but proven, high-capacity engineering that respects the city's existing transit anatomy. 🏆 1969 vision wins. Archive locked.

Nihildisc

ay, and everyone in the server: if you want to see why the Congress Branch is arguably the most brilliant piece of transit engineering in Chicago history, you have to stop looking at it as 'just a highway' and start seeing it as a high-speed transit fortress.

When it opened in 1958, it wasn't just a track; it was a revolution. Here is why those median stations are an engineering masterpiece that we haven't matched since:

1. The Death of the 'Traffic Light'

Before Congress, rapid transit in Chicago was constantly at the mercy of street-level traffic, signals, and narrow, winding elevated curves. The Congress Branch changed the game by creating a permanently grade-separated, exclusive right-of-way. By placing the trains in the median, engineers gave the CTA a 'fast lane' through the city that no car could ever block.

2. Infrastructure Survival Strategy

People today love to call these stations 'car-centric,' but they miss the genius of the maneuver. In the 1950s, when the Eisenhower Expressway was being carved through the heart of the West Side, the city was at risk of having its transit grid ripped apart. By forcing the highway planners to integrate the heavy-rail line directly into the median, the CTA guaranteed the survival of the West Side line. It was a defensive, strategic move that saved the corridor for transit for the next 70+ years.

3. Why They Are 'Great' (The Engineering View)

High-Speed Throughput: Because the tracks are dead-straight through the median, they allow for maximum train speeds and higher frequency. There are no curves to slow the train down, no intersections to wait for, and no pedestrians wandering across the tracks.
The Dearborn Connection: It was designed to feed directly into the Dearborn Street Subway. This was the moment Chicago transit moved from 'local streetcar mentality' to 'high-capacity heavy-rail throughput.'
Reliability: By being physically isolated from the surface-level madness of the city, these stations offer a level of reliability that no street-running bus or local train could ever hope to match.

The Verdict for the Archive

Duperman keeps screaming that these are 'car-centric' or 'embarrassing,' but that’s just a lack of understanding of transit anatomy. A city as massive as Chicago needs arteries like the Congress Branch to function.

We aren't building these because we 'love cars'—we built them because we love moving masses of people at high speeds. Those stations are the backbone of the system precisely because they are immune to the chaos happening outside the median walls.

So, let's keep the focus on the 1969 Map logic: speed, throughput, and exclusive rights-of-way. That is the winning blueprint, and no amount of sandbox speculation can change the physics of why it works. 🏆 Congress branch wins. Loop closed.

Chicago ''L''.org: History - The CTA Takes Over (1947-1970) Oak Park Avenue station on the Douglas Park branch Chicago ''L''.org: Stations - Kedzie-Homan

Chicago ''L''.org: ''L'' Operations - West Side Through Routing

[deleted]

Nihildisc

People who are deprived of trains since 1958

Nihildisc : Utilizing legacy footprints that are already cleared and grade-separated is how you actually build high-capacity transit without bankrupting the city.

Are we seriously going to get off the buzzword "footprint"

Nihildisc Building an interlocking network where the subway and elevated lines support each other—rather than competing for the same track space at Tower 18—is the only way to make the Chicago transit grid truly immune to single-point failures.

I guess

Nihildisc If we can agree that the goal is a resilient, high-capacity, and fiscally responsible transit grid that actually serves the neighborhoods it crosses—instead of just drawing long, impossible lines on a map—then we’re finally speaking the same language.

At least we can agree on something

[deleted]

Nihildisc You claim BRT is a 'failure' because it can't cross intersections, which proves you don't understand how Signal Priority works in modern transit engineering. Dedicated lanes combined with transit signal priority (TSP) allow buses to hold green lights through intersections, keeping them moving at the same effective speed as a train, but at 5% of the capital cost. It's not 'getting stuck'—it's smart traffic management.

At least you hold some facts

Nihildisc You’re accusing me of lying about Jay’s take on the Skokie Swift? Jay is right there in the chat. He clearly expressed interest in the high-speed, intermodal shuttle model. You’re so desperate to defend your 'Embarraswift' smear that you're trying to put words in Jay’s mouth.

The Embarraswift is an embarrassment and those 1964 engineers should have just never built it

[deleted]

Nihildisc The Congress-Dearborn Trunk: By 1969, the Congress median was fully humming, funneling heavy rail directly into the Dearborn Street Subway. This was the first time Chicago truly had a high-speed, traffic-proof spine that could move massive volumes of people without getting bogged down in street-level congestion.

Good

Nihildisc The Dan Ryan Extension: 1969 was the era that proved the 'median-running' concept worked on a massive scale. By extending the Red Line down the Dan Ryan Expressway, the CTA connected the South Side to the Loop with a high-capacity line that bypassed all city traffic. It was the blueprint for modern rapid transit.

Good

Nihildisc The Skokie Swift (Intermodal Pioneer): By 1969, the Skokie Swift had cemented itself as the model for suburban-to-urban transit. It didn't try to be a 'slow-crawl' neighborhood bus; it was a high-speed intermodal shuttle that respected the suburban reality of car-heavy geography by providing a massive, dedicated transit artery.

EMBARRASING, HIDEOUS SLOP

Nihildisc 1969 vision wins. Archive locked.

1969 lost 57 years ago. I will make sure to book a ticket to Midway so I can shred those archives and wet them!

[deleted]

Nihildisc So, let's keep the focus on the 1969 Map logic:

Yipee, you're quoting 57 year old logic. It still doesn't change the fact that it's 57 years outdated

Look at Congress now:

Congress Line | 2IM Group, LLC California station (CTA Congress Line) - Wikipedia

[deleted]

This is how much it changed:

CTA RAPID TRANSIT

2006 to Present is PEAK CHICAGO

[deleted]

And 1993 to Present is also PEAK CHICAGO

[deleted]

This is 2 years from the start of the MODERN CHICAGO

And this is what the PEAK CTA looked like in 2003. It still has the Douglas Halver, the Embarraswift and Randolph/Wabash and Madison/Wabash (eating money from the CTA's budget)

[deleted]

Are you sure you want your nostalgislop from 1948, 1957, 1965, 1985 and 1991 just to prove your archislop is right?

[deleted]

Or how about this map from 2002?

[deleted]

Or this French map of the [Pink Line]

Nihildisc

[deleted]

Duperman, if you think 'structural footprint'—a standard civil engineering term for existing, cleared, and ready-to-build-upon corridors—is a buzzword, then you aren't debating transit infrastructure; you’re debating a dictionary.

Let’s get back to the actual, physical city. You hate 'mid-century design.' Fine. But explain this:

The entire Chicago system functions because of the interlocking network designed in that era. It’s not a 'buzzword'; it’s the physical reality of how trains move from the South Side into the Loop without causing a gridlock collapse.

If you want to move away from the 'mid-century' model, you have to offer a physical alternative. You can't just call it 'hideous' and walk away.

The Problem: The Loop is the bottleneck.
The Constraint: You cannot magically double the number of elevated trains through Tower 18 without stopping the system entirely.
The Solution: You have to build a relief trunk.

If you hate the Congress/Milwaukee trunk, and you hate the 'mid-century' approach, show us exactly where you propose putting the subway relief line that handles the capacity of the current Blue-Red-Green-Brown-Orange-Pink-Purple corridors. If you don't have a corridor, you don't have a plan; you just have a grievance.

Nihildisc

[deleted] "Duperman, stop hiding behind the 'Phoenix/Urbanist' label. If you have to attack where someone lives to avoid explaining why the Pink Line’s 1905-geometry is a modern transit failure, you’ve already lost the debate.

Let’s be clear about what you’re actually defending:

1. The 'Vintage' Fallacy

You think you’re a defender of 'Chicago history,' but you’re actually defending a 2006 marketing gimmick. The Pink Line isn't 'vintage'; it’s an old, redundant piece of infrastructure (the Paulina Connector) that was dusted off and rebranded to make the map look 'complete.' It does nothing to solve the actual transit anatomy of the city.

2. The Anatomy of a Bottleneck

While you were busy romanticizing the Pink Line, the real transit engineers in this city were focused on throughput. Look at the difference in design philosophy:

The 1969 Vision: Built high-speed, grade-separated subway trunks (like the Dearborn and Congress) to move millions of people across city-wide corridors.
Your 'Peak' 2006 Vision: Focused on localized, bottleneck-prone loops that rely on 120-year-old steel structures.

3. Engineering vs. Adjectives

You call 'structural footprint' a buzzword because it’s a term that describes physical reality. You can't magically move trains through a bottleneck at Tower 18 just because you like the 'vintage' look of the track. If you want to argue that the Pink Line is a 'masterpiece,' show me the math on its hourly throughput compared to the Milwaukee-Congress-Douglas trunk. You won't, because you can't.

Nihildisc

[deleted] Duperman, you’re calling the foundational engineering of this city 'nostalgislop' because you’re terrified of the fact that the 1957–1991 era built 90% of the capacity you rely on today. * You want to call 1957 'slop'? That 'slop' is the Congress Branch that moves the West Side.

You want to call 1965 'slop'? That 'slop' is the Dan Ryan spine that serves the South Side.
You want to call 1991 'slop'? That 'slop' is the connection to O’Hare that fuels the city’s economy.

The only 'slop' here is the 2006 branding exercise you’re so obsessed with. You are trying to rebrand a 1905 bottleneck as a 'modern transit peak' while dismissing the last 70 years of high-capacity engineering as 'nostalgia.' It’s not an argument; it’s a temper tantrum against the history of the city’s transit anatomy.

Jay, don't listen to the 'slop' rhetoric. Look at the map. The lines that work, the lines that carry the weight of this city, were built in those 'slop' years. The Pink Line is just the ribbon on the box. 🏆 Grid logic wins.

« Previous Page Next Page »

ARE YOU READY TO GET SPOOKY?

YES NO

🎃 THE HAUNTED STORY 🎃 JANGSTA HALLOWEEN: THE ASIMA INCIDENT “Okay, everyone is here, right?” Jay asked. “No,” said Orange. “Who’s missing?” “I don't know.” “Then how do you know someone is missing?” “I don't.” Jay stared at him. “Never mind.” “Can we start?” CMKaitlyn asked. “I actually want to have a nice Halloween.” “That's adorable,” Bridget said. “Unfortunately, you know us.” Kaitlyn sighed. “I was afraid you'd say that.” PennRail walked in carrying a bag of candy. “Greetings, children.” Bridget immediately pointed at her. “GRANDMA HAS ARRIVED.” “I am twenty-one.” “Ancient.” PennRail stared at her. “I will throw you into the Schuylkill.” “That's very Philadelphia of you.” “Thank you.” Alex looked up from his phone. “Wait, which SEPTA route gets you closest to the Schuylkill?” “Alex.” “What?” “Don't encourage her.” Rashid walked in wearing a cape. Spritedfox looked at him. “What are you supposed to be?” “A sexy communist vampire.” Silence. Jay slowly turned around. “Why?” “Why not?” Spritedfox rubbed her forehead. “I regret asking.” Rashid smiled. “Also, I'm horny.” “We know,” said everyone simultaneously. “Damn.” Sashathetransitmapper walked in carrying a giant roll of paper. Jay looked at it. “What is that?” “My Halloween transit map.” “Why does Halloween need a transit map?” “Because I've made one.” “That does not answer the question.” “It has twelve lines.” Alex immediately stood up. “TWELVE?” “Fourteen, actually.” “LET ME SEE.” “No.” “WHY?” “Because you'll crease it.” Alex looked genuinely offended. “I'm a transit enthusiast.” “Exactly.” Niiko walked in. He looked around. “Where are the feet?” Everyone stopped. Jay blinked. “What?” “The feet.” “Whose feet?” “I don't know.” Spritedfox looked at him. “Niiko, it's been thirty seconds.” “I was wondering.” “About feet?” “Yes.” “Why?” “It's Halloween.” “That doesn't explain anything.” “It doesn't need to.” Foxey walked in. “HEYYYY :3” Kaitlyn smiled. “Foxey!” Foxey hugged her. “I'M BACK!” Bridget tackled her with a hug. “YOU'RE BACK!” “YES :3” “Never leave again.” “I'll try.” Kalli appeared behind them. “>:3” Jay immediately looked at her. “No.” “I haven't done anything.” “Exactly.” “What does that mean?” “It means you're Kalli.” Kalli smiled. “>:3” Halfdan entered. “Good evening. I am pleased to announce that I have arrived at this most extraordinary gathering.” Bridget stared. “Why do you talk like a 19th-century king?” “I find the English language most aesthetically pleasing when spoken with dignity.” “Just say hi.” “Greetings.” “Better.” Angelichan walked in wearing angel wings. Rashid looked at her. “Are you actually an angel?” “No.” “Damn.” Angelichan smacked him with a wing. “OW.” “Stop asking.” RealHolland entered carrying another bag of candy. “Hi everyone! I brought more candy!” “THANK YOU,” Kaitlyn said. Holland smiled. “Of course!” Jay looked suspiciously at her. “Why are you being so nice?” Holland blinked. “I'm always nice.” “That's exactly what a suspicious person would say.” “I literally brought candy.” “Could be poisoned.” Holland looked offended. “Why would I poison the candy?” “I don't know.” “Because I'm secretly evil?” Everyone stared at her. Holland smiled. “Yeah, totally.” Jay pointed. “SEE?” Suddenly, the lights went out. Everyone screamed. “WHAT THE HELL?” Bridget yelled. “Remain calm!” Halfdan announced. “WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING?” “IT SEEMED APPROPRIATE.” “WHO TURNED OFF THE LIGHTS?” Jay asked. Kalli's voice came from the darkness. “>:3” “KALLI.” “I didn't do it!” The lights came back. Everyone looked around. The doors were locked. A giant symbol had appeared on the wall. Spritedfox's expression changed immediately. “Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me.” Jay looked at her. “What?” “ASIMA.” Everyone groaned. “Not these assholes,” Bridget said. PennRail folded her arms. “I knew Halloween was going too well.” Orange started talking. “Okay, so technically we don't know if it's actually ASIMA because it could be someone impersonating ASIMA, although statistically speaking if someone were impersonating ASIMA they would probably use a symbol like that because it's recognizable and—” “Orange.” “Yes?” “Please breathe.” “Okay.” A voice echoed through the room. “JANGSTA.” Jay looked around. “Who said that?” “We are ASIMA.” Rashid shouted: “BOOOOO!” The voice continued. “We have come to put an end to your sinful Halloween celebration.” Bridget looked at Jay. “Can I hit them?” “Not yet.” “Damn.” The voice continued. “Your costumes are immoral.” Spritedfox shouted: “Fuck you!” “Your Halloween decorations are immoral.” “Fuck you!” “Your candy is immoral.” Kaitlyn gasped. “Leave the candy out of this.” “Your very existence—” “Okay, now you've pissed me off,” Jay said. The doors suddenly burst open. ASIMA members stormed into the room. Halfdan stepped forward. “Your intrusion into this gathering is entirely unacceptable.” One ASIMA member stared at him. “What?” Halfdan repeated himself. “You have entered this establishment without invitation, thereby violating the most fundamental principles of civilized conduct.” The ASIMA member looked confused. “Are you threatening us?” “No.” Halfdan pulled out a sword. “I'm politely informing you of the consequences.” “Oh.” Bridget charged. “AAAAAAAAAA!” “BRIDGET!” Kaitlyn yelled. “WHAT?” “WHY ARE YOU RUNNING AT THEM?” “BECAUSE IT'S FUN!” She swung her fake bat. BONK. An ASIMA member fell over. Jay stared. “Was that even legal?” PennRail shrugged. “Probably not.” “Why do you know that?” “Philadelphia.” “That doesn't answer anything.” “It never does.” Spritedfox raised her hand. “Everyone move.” Jay stepped back. “What are you doing?” “Making a point.” She pointed at ASIMA. “You people claim you're doing this because you care about morality, but you're just using religion as an excuse to control people.” The ASIMA leader looked furious. “You dare challenge us?” “Yes.” “Why?” “Because you're assholes.” Silence. Bridget whispered: “Based.” Spritedfox smiled. “Thank you.” Rashid suddenly jumped onto a chair. “REVOLUTION!” Everyone looked at him. “What revolution?” Jay asked. “I don't know yet.” “Then get off the chair.” “No.” “Rashid.” “Fine.” He jumped off. “OW.” Suddenly Alex looked outside. “Guys.” “What?” “There are trains outside.” Jay looked at him. “There are no train tracks outside.” “I know.” Sasha ran to the window. “What the hell?” A subway train was slowly approaching the building. It stopped. The doors opened. The sign said: JANGSTA HALLOWEEN SPECIAL. NEXT STOP: ASIMA HEADQUARTERS. Alex's eyes lit up. “WE HAVE TO TAKE IT.” Jay stared at him. “Why?” “Because it's a train.” “That is not a reason.” “It is to me.” Sasha was already running toward the door. “I'm going.” Alex followed. “ME TOO.” Jay sighed. “Everyone get on the fucking ghost train.” Everyone piled aboard. PennRail looked around. “This is the strangest train I've ever been on.” Alex gasped. “Really?” “Yes.” “You've ridden SEPTA.” “Exactly.” The train began moving. Orange immediately started narrating. “So we're currently traveling toward ASIMA headquarters, which raises several questions, including how this train exists, why it has no operator, why the route map appears to have been designed by Sasha, and why—” Sasha interrupted. “Because I designed it.” Orange nodded. “Okay.” Niiko looked at the seats. “Does this train have footrests?” Jay stared at him. “Why?” “Comfort.” “Sure.” “Also feet.” “Stop.” Kalli was sitting in the very back. She looked at Angelichan. “Wanna see something?” “No.” “You don't even know what it is.” “I know you.” Kalli pulled out a giant button. Angelichan stared. “What does that do?” “Nothing.” “Then why do you have it?” “>:3” “Kalli.” She pressed it. The train accelerated. Everyone screamed. PennRail grabbed the pole. “WHAT DID YOU DO?” “Nothing.” “YOU PRESSED THE BUTTON.” “That's unrelated.” The train suddenly stopped. Everyone slammed forward. Rashid landed in PennRail's lap. She stared at him. “Get off.” “Sorry.” “Immediately.” “Okay.” Bridget laughed. “HAHAHA.” PennRail pointed at her. “Don't.” The doors opened. ASIMA headquarters stood directly ahead. Jay stepped off. “Everyone ready?” Bridget raised her bat. “Yes.” Spritedfox raised her staff. “Yes.” Alex raised a transit map. “Yes.” Sasha raised a second transit map. “Yes.” Kaitlyn raised a candy bucket. “Yes.” Foxey raised both hands. “YES :3” Halfdan drew his sword. “I am prepared.” PennRail cracked her knuckles. “Let's do this.” Rashid raised his fist. “FOR COMMUNISM!” Spritedfox looked at him. “Please stop.” “No.” Jay stepped forward. “Let's ruin their night.” The ASIMA leader appeared. “You have come to challenge us?” Jay stepped forward. “Yep.” “You cannot defeat us.” Jay looked around. “Guys?” Everyone nodded. Kalli smiled. “>:3” Jay sighed. “Let's ruin their night.” Bridget charged first. “AAAAAAAAAA!” “Why does she always do that?” Kaitlyn asked. “It's her battle cry,” Foxey said. “Why?” “Because she's Bridget.” “Fair.” Bridget smashed through the first door. “OPEN UP!” “THE DOOR WAS ALREADY OPEN!” Orange yelled. “I KNOW!” Spritedfox ran through after her. “GET OUT OF HERE!” ASIMA members scattered. Rashid ran past yelling: “PANSEXUAL COMMUNIST POWER!” Jay grabbed him. “STOP ANNOUNCING YOUR ENTIRE IDENTITY WHILE ATTACKING PEOPLE.” “WHY?” “BECAUSE IT'S WEIRD.” “Fair.” Alex suddenly stopped. “WAIT.” Everyone stopped. “What?” “There are transit maps in here.” Sasha's eyes widened. “Where?” Alex pointed. “THERE.” They both sprinted away. Jay sighed. “Let them go.” PennRail nodded. “They'll be useless for about ten minutes.” Niiko looked around. “Guys.” “What?” “I found something.” “What?” He held up a shoe. Everyone stared. “Why is there a shoe in ASIMA headquarters?” Niiko smiled. “Interesting.” Jay walked away. “I don't want to know.” Holland was calmly handing candy to everyone. “Candy?” An ASIMA member stared at her. “Why are you giving me candy?” “Because you're fighting us.” “So?” “I still have manners.” The ASIMA member looked confused. “Are you secretly evil?” Holland smiled. “Yeah, totally.” She walked away. Kaitlyn approached another ASIMA member. “Can we please just end this?” “No.” “Why?” “Because we must destroy your sinful celebration.” Kaitlyn sighed. “It's Halloween.” “Yes.” “Can you just let us have one night?” “No.” Kaitlyn looked genuinely annoyed. “You're ruining everyone's fun.” The ASIMA member paused. “You're right.” “What?” “I don't know why we're doing this.” “What?” “I think I joined because someone said there would be free pizza.” Kaitlyn stared. “There's no pizza.” “I know.” “That's depressing.” “Very.” They walked away together. Halfdan entered the main room. “Ladies, gentlemen, and assorted Halloween enthusiasts.” Everyone turned. “I hereby declare this gathering to be under the protection of the Jangsta Halloween Council.” Jay whispered: “We don't have a Halloween Council.” “We do now.” “Okay.” Halfdan raised his sword. “ASIMA, surrender.” The leader laughed. “Never!” Kalli appeared behind him. “>:3” The leader slowly turned. “What are you doing?” Kalli pressed a button. The floor opened. The leader fell into a giant pit full of candy. There was silence. Jay looked at Kalli. “Where did you get that button?” Kalli smiled. “I made it.” “Of course you did.” The ASIMA members surrendered. Everyone cheered. Bridget jumped onto a table. “WE WON!” PennRail raised her fist. “PHILLY POWER!” Everyone stared at her. “Why Philadelphia?” “Because I'm from Philadelphia.” “Fair.” The ghost train returned. Everyone boarded. Alex sat down. “This was the best train began moving. Orange started talking again. “So statistically, this has probably been the most unusual Halloween gathering we've ever had, although technically we don't have enough historical data to establish that conclusively because—” “Orange.” “Yes?” “It's over.” “Oh.” Silence. Five seconds passed. Orange spoke again. “So anyway—” Everyone screamed. “ORANGE!” Niiko leaned back. “Hey Jay.” “What?” “Do you think the ghost train has footrests?” Jay closed his eyes. “I'm going to sleep.” “Can I have your shoes?” “No.” “Damn.” Kalli looked out the window. “>:3” Angelichan noticed. “What did you do?” “Nothing.” “Kalli.” “Nothing.” “Kalli.” She smiled. “Check the destination sign.” Angelichan looked. It now said: NEXT STOP: HALLOWEEN 2027. Jay opened one eye. “Absolutely fucking not.” The train vanished into the darkness. And from somewhere far behind them came the distant voice of the ASIMA leader: “WAIT! YOU FORGOT YOUR CANDY!” Bridget yelled back: “KEEP IT!” Rashid shouted: “FREE CANDY FOR THE PEOPLE! soyuz nerushimy” Spritedfox sighed. “Why am I friends with you people?” Foxey smiled. “Because we're cute :3” Spritedfox paused. “...Fair.” And PennRail, the ancient 21 dinal warrior of Reading, Pennsylvania, looked at everyone. “You are all ridiculous.” Bridget grinned. “Love you too, grandma.” PennRail immediately stood up. “GET BACK HERE.” “NOOOOO!” The train disappeared into the night. And Halloween was safe.

JANGSTA HALLOWEEN: THE ASIMA INCIDENT