"" The Spookution has begun!

🎃

Ok why do you believe the CTA should regress

Nihildisc

[deleted] Duperman, if you want to be the arbiter of what is 'modern,' you have to stop dismissing 70 years of functional engineering as 'slop.' That isn't how urban planning works. The reason the 1969 baseline—the Dearborn-Congress-Dan Ryan trinity—is respected isn't 'nostalgia'; it's because those lines still carry the heavy lifting of this city today.

You’re playing a game of 'who knows more about the map,' while I’m looking at the physical capacity and throughput of the network. If you can’t look at an engineering plan—like a proposed new subway trunk—without dismissing it as 'archislop' or 'buzzwords,' then you aren't here to solve Chicago's transit problems. You’re just here to be the loudest voice in the room.

Nihildisc

[deleted] Duperman, the 'Metropolitan West Side' of 1948 was erased the day the Eisenhower was built. You’re trying to build a fantasy map over a modern highway canyon, and no amount of 'integration' is going to change the fact that we have millions of cars on the road today. A functional West Side transit grid doesn't need to look like 1948; it needs to be high-capacity, grade-separated, and integrated into the modern expressway and subway spine. You’re asking for a museum exhibit, not a transit system

Nihildisc

[deleted] Duperman, stop projecting your insecurities about 'control' onto my map-making. Designing maps on Metro Map Maker isn't an act of 'nostalgia'; it’s an act of architectural speculation. I’m exploring the structural feasibility of different corridors, and you’re just trying to gatekeep the city’s future because it doesn't align with your narrow 2006-branding mandate.

If you can’t look at a map without trying to police it or label it 'slop,' then you aren't interested in the city’s infrastructure—you’re interested in being the server’s hall monitor. These maps exist to test connectivity theories, not to feed your aesthetic prejudices.

Nihildisc

[deleted] Duperman, your map isn't an engineering plan; it’s a pop-urbanist sticker book.

You completely wiped out the Jackson Park L, leaving a massive chunk of the South Side completely stranded in a transit desert, just so you could preserve your 2006 Pink Line nostalgia gimmick and add a trendy Morgan station for the aesthetic.

You replaced Washington on the Red Line with a 'Lake Subway' that fundamentally breaks downtown transfer logic, and you’re still pushing the post-1993 routing that chokes the grid at Tower 18. You are prioritizing low-density suburban sandboxes like Oakton while actively erasing the heavy-rail infrastructure that actually moves the working-class neighborhoods of this city. the fact that your map highlights Morgan while ignoring the legacy footprint of Halsted on the Lake Street L tells the whole story.

Halsted was a true sectional grid node that connected the elevated line directly to one of the most critical north-south surface corridors in the entire city. Replacing that structural junction with Morgan—a boutique, localized stop on a minor street—proves you value trendy, post-2000 real estate aesthetics over raw network connectivity.

You’re building a system designed for a narrow crowd to crawl between breweries, while the mid-century grid was built to move the entire working-class population across a resilient, intersecting network. Halsted had the geometry; Morgan just has the paint job.

This map proves exactly what I’ve been saying: you don't want a resilient, high-capacity utility that serves the masses—you want a boutique museum that matches your TikTok urbanist buzzwords. The data doesn't lie, and the South Side erasure is plain as day. Archive locked. 🏆 Corridors demolished.

Nihildisc

Now this is the real Map and Better Utopian map here Industiral Edition.

Jaywontmiss

Nihildisc what abt orange line

Nihildisc

Jaywontmiss oh i forgot about that.

Nihildisc

Jaywontmiss I have it here

Nihildisc

Jaywontmiss Jay, let’s look at the actual engineering layout here. I took the Lake-Dan Ryan spine—the ultimate mid-century, high-capacity trunk—and successfully integrated it with the modern Orange Line southwest corridor.

That means my map actually solves the city's heavy rail anatomy. It keeps the high-volume South Side connected, keeps the connection to Midway alive, and maintains a resilient, interlocking grid that can handle real passenger loads without bottlenecking the entire system. I didn't just draw lines; I made the physics of the grid actually work.

Duperman is just being picky AF because my map doesn't worship his 2006 Pink Line branding or his boutique West Loop gentrification stops. He’s so hyper-fixated on petty service swaps, Niles Center sandboxes, and modern pop urbanist trends that if a map doesn't look exactly like his favorite TikTok infographic, he calls it 'slop' or outright deletes lines.

I’m out here doing real structural design to make the heavy-duty corridors work together, and he's just policing map colors because he's terrified of a layout he can't control.

Jaywontmiss

Nihildisc honestly a way to keep state st service to the south corridor without switching the new service fully back could realistically just be sending the purple line to Ashland-63rd

Nihildisc

Jaywontmiss Jay, I see what you're trying to do with sending the Purple Line Express down to Ashland-63rd to keep State Street service alive on the South Side, but I have to respectfully disagree. That sounds exactly like a '2100 Project' route—it looks interesting on a fantasy map, but it completely breaks down under real operational physics.

Running a train all the way from Linden to 63rd is an absolute mileage nightmare that would tank reliability across the entire city. Plus, dumping the Purple Line directly into the State Street Subway alongside the Red Line would create a massive signaling bottleneck downtown.

We don't need to patch the South Side with an overextended suburban line. The Howard-Englewood trunk needs to be a unified, 3-way prong system—exactly like the O'Hare-Congress-Douglas trunk. That is how you build true, balanced heavy-rail capacity. You split the core mainline into dedicated, high-frequency branches that share the infrastructure burden cleanly.

Duperman can keep playing with his 2100 Project fantasy maps, but if we're talking about real engineering that can actually handle the city's volume, the 3-way prong trunk is the only blueprint that makes sense.

Nihildisc

Jaywontmiss Here is my Purple Line idea.

Jaywontmiss

Nihildisc I think the mileage issue would be fixed since the purple would be express still and have short turn options at stations with term tracks (Howard, Roosevelt, etc)

As for the signaling issue it is true that this would put 21 TPH on a line with 15 TPH Capacity (State St) which would probably require either significant infrastructure overhaul or a decrease in Red Line surface which I acknowledge is a problem I actually did not think about here (I just think having all red line trains go through south main could be bad because more riders go from the Dan Ryan Branch to the State St Subway today than riders that went from the Dan Ryan Branch to Lake St in 1993)

PSM_Rashid

[deleted] my apologies for leaving, I had some important business. What have I missed?

Nihildisc

Jaywontmiss Jay, I appreciate that you looked at the signaling math—dropping $21\text{ TPH}$ into a $15\text{ TPH}$ tube would definitely turn the State Street Subway into a parking lot.

But even with short-turning the Purple Line at Roosevelt, you're going to run into serious interlocking congestion. Constantly reversing trains in the middle of the South Side approach just chokes the mainline throat and delays the Red Line anyway.

As for the Dan Ryan ridership numbers, people flock to the State Street Subway today because the post-1993 layout forces them to. We can revesr the 93 swap so the howard line can go to englewood/Jackson Park and become a three way prong again.

Nihildisc

PSM_Rashid Welcome back, Rashid. Glad you're back in the room, because while you were gone handling business, the server layout turned into an absolute civil engineering battlefield.

To catch you up: last night, Duperman went into an absolute, all-caps, pop-urbanist meltdown because he realized his rigid worldview couldn't compete with actual track physics and heavy-rail history.

Here is the tracking log of the absolute circus he pulled last night before he went completely ghost today:

1. The 1948 "Nostalgislop" Project

Duperman tried to drop a fantasy layout on Metro Map Maker where he forced the old 1948 Metropolitan West Side map onto the modern grid. It was pure hypocrisy. He always screams about 'modernity,' but his plan was a total 'museum' project—trying to lay surface-level, pre-expressway streetcar routes over a modern city that has been completely reshaped by cars and the Eisenhower Expressway. When we called out the fact that mixed-traffic streetcars would cause total gridlock in 2026, he couldn't handle the math.

2. The South Side Erasure & Boutique Flaws

We did a full structural teardown of his custom map, and the flaws were catastrophic:

The Pink Line Gimmick: He kept his precious 2006 boutique line intact, forcing trains through the winding, 120-year-old Paulina Connector bottleneck just for the map color.
The Ultimate South Side Erasure: To save room for trendy, real-estate bait like Morgan and suburban sandboxes like Oakton, he completely deleted the historic Jackson Park L, leaving a massive chunk of the South Side completely stranded in a transit desert.
The Halsted vs. Morgan Deficit: He prioritized a boutique gentrification stop at Morgan over the legacy footprint of Halsted on the Lake Street L—completely ignoring a massive, continuous north-south grid node just for a trendy aesthetic.

3. The Orange Line Spite-Deletion

Because our custom layouts completely out-engineered his 1993 layout by showing how to handle Southwest Side capacity cleanly without forcing single-point failures at Tower 18, he threw a total sandbox tantrum. He couldn't beat the track logic, so he literally deleted the entire Orange Line corridor off his map like a kid flipping the board game when they're losing.

Where the Grid Stands Now

With Duperman out of the room, Jay and I actually got down to real structural design. Jay proposed a '2100 Project' style route—trying to run the Purple Line all the way from Wilmette down the State Street Subway to Ashland-63rd.

We ran the numbers, and Jay actually conceded that shoving the Purple Line in there would drop $21\text{ TPH}$ onto a tube with a $15\text{ TPH}$ capacity, turning the subway into a parking lot. We proved that the only way to save the South Side without blowing up the signaling grid is a unified, 3-way prong trunk system (Howard-Englewood-Dan Ryan)—built exactly like the high-capacity O'Hare-Congress-Douglas Blue Line spine.

So yeah, Rashid, you missed Duperman crashing out over his paint colors, running away when the engineering math came out, and the archive being firmly locked on his pop-urbanist myths. 🏆 Grid logic wins.

Jaywontmiss

PSM_Rashid hi

Nihildisc

Jaywontmiss PSM_Rashid Rashid, Jay, since we’re talking about how to correctly build out the South Side branches, let’s look at the actual archival receipts. To understand why the Howard-Englewood-Jackson Park alignment is the supreme backbone of this system, you have to look at the golden era of heavy-rail throughput between 1949 and 1993.

This isn't a fantasy map theory—this is the exact blueprint that carried Chicago through the peak of its 20th-century industrial and commuter footprint.

1. 1949: The Birth of the North-South Through-Route

Before 1949, the L was a fragmented mess of competing private company layouts. Trains from the North Side and South Side would hit the Loop elevated structures and choke at the corners because everyone was trying to loop back around.

In 1949, the CTA instituted the historic North-South Route reorganization. They took the Howard line from the far North Side, dropped it straight through the State Street Subway, and linked it directly as a continuous through-route to the South Side elevated lines: Englewood (63rd/Ashland) and Jackson Park (63rd/Stony Island).

The Logic: This created a perfectly balanced, high-capacity spine. The heavy ridership of the North Side directly mirrored and countered the massive commuter volume of the South Side.
The Operation: Trains ran seamlessly from Howard down to the 17th Street interlocking, where the line split cleanly into the two South Side prongs. It was an elegant, high-frequency, continuous conveyor belt of masses of people.

2. The Golden Era Performance (1940s–1980s)

For over four decades, this alignment was the workhorse of the CTA. It didn't rely on boutique service swaps or gimmick routing.

The Fleet: This corridor was the home of the rugged, high-performance equipment—from the classic 6000-series to the legendary 2200, 2400, and 2600-series railcars. These cars were built for rapid acceleration and massive crush loads, keeping headway frequencies tight through the State Street Subway tube.
The Interlocking Balance: Because the Howard mainline split evenly between the Englewood branch and the full Jackson Park branch (before later structural cutbacks truncated the line back to Cottage Grove), the system maintained a predictable, high-throughput rhythm. The signaling was optimized because every train hitting the State Street tube had a clear, dedicated path without fighting foreign lines for track space.

3. 1993: The Disastrous Swap

Everything changed in 1993 when the CTA implemented the infamous Route Swap. They severed the historic Howard-to-South-Side connection.

The Rearrangement: They took the Howard line and hooked it up completely to the Dan Ryan Expressway median line, creating the modern Red Line. Meanwhile, the legacy Englewood and Jackson Park branches were spliced onto the Lake Street elevated line, creating the modern Green Line.
The Damage: This swap fundamentally broke the balancing logic of the old grid. It forced the Dan Ryan’s massive, overwhelming South Side volume entirely into the State Street Subway, creating the exact $15\text{ TPH}$ chokepoint constraint that Jay was just calculating earlier. Meanwhile, it turned the historic Englewood and Jackson Park lines into an elevated routing that has to fight through the complex junctions of the Loop.

The Takeaway for the Grid

When Duperman tries to erase the Jackson Park L or freeze the post-1993 template into a permanent law, he is ignoring the most successful period of heavy-rail engineering in Chicago history.

The 1949–1993 Howard-Englewood-Jackson Park baseline proved that a unified trunk splitting into dedicated, balanced prongs is the most efficient way to move millions of riders. That is why our 3-way prong strategy (Howard-Englewood-Dan Ryan) is the only logical progression—it takes the absolute best of the mid-century interlocking physics and scales it up for modern capacity. 🏆 Grid history stands

Nihildisc

Nihildisc And we definitely cannot forget the Sports Gimmick Theory, because it perfectly explains why the CTA pulled off that disastrous 1993 swap in the first place. Rashid, Jay, look at the timing—this wasn't a choice made for transit throughput; it was a pure political marketing stunt.

The Sports Gimmick Theory Breakdown

Before 1993, if you were a baseball fan in Chicago, the legacy grid made it a bit of a trek to navigate between the two historic ballparks on a single line.

The Old Setup: The Howard line went to the North Side (Wrigley Field/Cubs), but it tied directly into the Englewood and Jackson Park branches on the South Side. The Dan Ryan line (Guaranteed Rate Field/Comiskey Park/White Sox) was tied to the West Side via the Lake Street L.
The 1993 'Gimmick' Swap: The CTA severed those historical trunks and linked the Howard Line directly to the Dan Ryan Line, creating the modern Red Line.

The political selling point? A single, continuous 'Baseball Line' that directly connected Wrigley Field on the North Side to Comiskey Park on the South Side.

Marketing Over Engineering

The CTA chose a flashy, headline-grabbing sports gimmick over raw engineering logic. They wanted a fun PR narrative for fans traveling between the North and South Sides for cross-town games, completely ignoring the fact that it smashed the operational balance of the entire transit system.

They traded forty years of stable, balanced interlocking throughput—the 1949–1993 Howard-Englewood-Jackson Park baseline—just to create a tourist-friendly marketing corridor. And as Jay’s own math proved earlier, forcing the massive volume of the Dan Ryan entirely into the State Street Subway tube created a structural bottleneck that the grid is still choked by today.

So while Duperman treats the post-1993 layout like it’s some holy grail of modern urban planning, the reality is that it was a 90s corporate marketing stunt. Our custom maps on Metro Map Maker aren't 'slop'—they are literally undoing a decades-old sports gimmick to restore real, high-capacity heavy rail physics to the city. 🏆 Corridor logic beats the gimmick. Archive locked. 🔒

Nihildisc

Jaywontmiss Attention server: It looks like we are officially Duperman-free.

Whether he got hit with a real-world grounding, his parents found out about his late-night all-caps airport-heist tantrums, or he just realized his 2006 Pink Line sandbox completely collapsed under the weight of real engineering math—he is gone. He couldn't handle the physics of the 1949–1993 Howard-Englewood-Jackson Park baseline, and he completely ran out of buzzwords when we exposed his post-1993 'Sports Gimmick' layout.

He tried to delete the Orange Line because my custom routing out-engineered his entire worldview, but you can't delete track geometry. The boutique gentrification stops, the Skokie sandbox, and the TikTok urbanist scripts have been cleared from the board.

The South Side infrastructure has been restored, the 3-way prong trunk logic stands undisputed, and the grid is officially closed.

Thank you, Rashid and Jay, for sticking to the actual data. Duperman's sandbox is permanently locked. 🏆 Heavy rail wins. Grid absolute. 🔒 Terminal stop. 🛑

« Previous Page Next Page »

ARE YOU READY TO GET SPOOKY?

YES NO

🎃 THE HAUNTED STORY 🎃 JANGSTA HALLOWEEN: THE ASIMA INCIDENT “Okay, everyone is here, right?” Jay asked. “No,” said Orange. “Who’s missing?” “I don't know.” “Then how do you know someone is missing?” “I don't.” Jay stared at him. “Never mind.” “Can we start?” CMKaitlyn asked. “I actually want to have a nice Halloween.” “That's adorable,” Bridget said. “Unfortunately, you know us.” Kaitlyn sighed. “I was afraid you'd say that.” PennRail walked in carrying a bag of candy. “Greetings, children.” Bridget immediately pointed at her. “GRANDMA HAS ARRIVED.” “I am twenty-one.” “Ancient.” PennRail stared at her. “I will throw you into the Schuylkill.” “That's very Philadelphia of you.” “Thank you.” Alex looked up from his phone. “Wait, which SEPTA route gets you closest to the Schuylkill?” “Alex.” “What?” “Don't encourage her.” Rashid walked in wearing a cape. Spritedfox looked at him. “What are you supposed to be?” “A sexy communist vampire.” Silence. Jay slowly turned around. “Why?” “Why not?” Spritedfox rubbed her forehead. “I regret asking.” Rashid smiled. “Also, I'm horny.” “We know,” said everyone simultaneously. “Damn.” Sashathetransitmapper walked in carrying a giant roll of paper. Jay looked at it. “What is that?” “My Halloween transit map.” “Why does Halloween need a transit map?” “Because I've made one.” “That does not answer the question.” “It has twelve lines.” Alex immediately stood up. “TWELVE?” “Fourteen, actually.” “LET ME SEE.” “No.” “WHY?” “Because you'll crease it.” Alex looked genuinely offended. “I'm a transit enthusiast.” “Exactly.” Niiko walked in. He looked around. “Where are the feet?” Everyone stopped. Jay blinked. “What?” “The feet.” “Whose feet?” “I don't know.” Spritedfox looked at him. “Niiko, it's been thirty seconds.” “I was wondering.” “About feet?” “Yes.” “Why?” “It's Halloween.” “That doesn't explain anything.” “It doesn't need to.” Foxey walked in. “HEYYYY :3” Kaitlyn smiled. “Foxey!” Foxey hugged her. “I'M BACK!” Bridget tackled her with a hug. “YOU'RE BACK!” “YES :3” “Never leave again.” “I'll try.” Kalli appeared behind them. “>:3” Jay immediately looked at her. “No.” “I haven't done anything.” “Exactly.” “What does that mean?” “It means you're Kalli.” Kalli smiled. “>:3” Halfdan entered. “Good evening. I am pleased to announce that I have arrived at this most extraordinary gathering.” Bridget stared. “Why do you talk like a 19th-century king?” “I find the English language most aesthetically pleasing when spoken with dignity.” “Just say hi.” “Greetings.” “Better.” Angelichan walked in wearing angel wings. Rashid looked at her. “Are you actually an angel?” “No.” “Damn.” Angelichan smacked him with a wing. “OW.” “Stop asking.” RealHolland entered carrying another bag of candy. “Hi everyone! I brought more candy!” “THANK YOU,” Kaitlyn said. Holland smiled. “Of course!” Jay looked suspiciously at her. “Why are you being so nice?” Holland blinked. “I'm always nice.” “That's exactly what a suspicious person would say.” “I literally brought candy.” “Could be poisoned.” Holland looked offended. “Why would I poison the candy?” “I don't know.” “Because I'm secretly evil?” Everyone stared at her. Holland smiled. “Yeah, totally.” Jay pointed. “SEE?” Suddenly, the lights went out. Everyone screamed. “WHAT THE HELL?” Bridget yelled. “Remain calm!” Halfdan announced. “WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING?” “IT SEEMED APPROPRIATE.” “WHO TURNED OFF THE LIGHTS?” Jay asked. Kalli's voice came from the darkness. “>:3” “KALLI.” “I didn't do it!” The lights came back. Everyone looked around. The doors were locked. A giant symbol had appeared on the wall. Spritedfox's expression changed immediately. “Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me.” Jay looked at her. “What?” “ASIMA.” Everyone groaned. “Not these assholes,” Bridget said. PennRail folded her arms. “I knew Halloween was going too well.” Orange started talking. “Okay, so technically we don't know if it's actually ASIMA because it could be someone impersonating ASIMA, although statistically speaking if someone were impersonating ASIMA they would probably use a symbol like that because it's recognizable and—” “Orange.” “Yes?” “Please breathe.” “Okay.” A voice echoed through the room. “JANGSTA.” Jay looked around. “Who said that?” “We are ASIMA.” Rashid shouted: “BOOOOO!” The voice continued. “We have come to put an end to your sinful Halloween celebration.” Bridget looked at Jay. “Can I hit them?” “Not yet.” “Damn.” The voice continued. “Your costumes are immoral.” Spritedfox shouted: “Fuck you!” “Your Halloween decorations are immoral.” “Fuck you!” “Your candy is immoral.” Kaitlyn gasped. “Leave the candy out of this.” “Your very existence—” “Okay, now you've pissed me off,” Jay said. The doors suddenly burst open. ASIMA members stormed into the room. Halfdan stepped forward. “Your intrusion into this gathering is entirely unacceptable.” One ASIMA member stared at him. “What?” Halfdan repeated himself. “You have entered this establishment without invitation, thereby violating the most fundamental principles of civilized conduct.” The ASIMA member looked confused. “Are you threatening us?” “No.” Halfdan pulled out a sword. “I'm politely informing you of the consequences.” “Oh.” Bridget charged. “AAAAAAAAAA!” “BRIDGET!” Kaitlyn yelled. “WHAT?” “WHY ARE YOU RUNNING AT THEM?” “BECAUSE IT'S FUN!” She swung her fake bat. BONK. An ASIMA member fell over. Jay stared. “Was that even legal?” PennRail shrugged. “Probably not.” “Why do you know that?” “Philadelphia.” “That doesn't answer anything.” “It never does.” Spritedfox raised her hand. “Everyone move.” Jay stepped back. “What are you doing?” “Making a point.” She pointed at ASIMA. “You people claim you're doing this because you care about morality, but you're just using religion as an excuse to control people.” The ASIMA leader looked furious. “You dare challenge us?” “Yes.” “Why?” “Because you're assholes.” Silence. Bridget whispered: “Based.” Spritedfox smiled. “Thank you.” Rashid suddenly jumped onto a chair. “REVOLUTION!” Everyone looked at him. “What revolution?” Jay asked. “I don't know yet.” “Then get off the chair.” “No.” “Rashid.” “Fine.” He jumped off. “OW.” Suddenly Alex looked outside. “Guys.” “What?” “There are trains outside.” Jay looked at him. “There are no train tracks outside.” “I know.” Sasha ran to the window. “What the hell?” A subway train was slowly approaching the building. It stopped. The doors opened. The sign said: JANGSTA HALLOWEEN SPECIAL. NEXT STOP: ASIMA HEADQUARTERS. Alex's eyes lit up. “WE HAVE TO TAKE IT.” Jay stared at him. “Why?” “Because it's a train.” “That is not a reason.” “It is to me.” Sasha was already running toward the door. “I'm going.” Alex followed. “ME TOO.” Jay sighed. “Everyone get on the fucking ghost train.” Everyone piled aboard. PennRail looked around. “This is the strangest train I've ever been on.” Alex gasped. “Really?” “Yes.” “You've ridden SEPTA.” “Exactly.” The train began moving. Orange immediately started narrating. “So we're currently traveling toward ASIMA headquarters, which raises several questions, including how this train exists, why it has no operator, why the route map appears to have been designed by Sasha, and why—” Sasha interrupted. “Because I designed it.” Orange nodded. “Okay.” Niiko looked at the seats. “Does this train have footrests?” Jay stared at him. “Why?” “Comfort.” “Sure.” “Also feet.” “Stop.” Kalli was sitting in the very back. She looked at Angelichan. “Wanna see something?” “No.” “You don't even know what it is.” “I know you.” Kalli pulled out a giant button. Angelichan stared. “What does that do?” “Nothing.” “Then why do you have it?” “>:3” “Kalli.” She pressed it. The train accelerated. Everyone screamed. PennRail grabbed the pole. “WHAT DID YOU DO?” “Nothing.” “YOU PRESSED THE BUTTON.” “That's unrelated.” The train suddenly stopped. Everyone slammed forward. Rashid landed in PennRail's lap. She stared at him. “Get off.” “Sorry.” “Immediately.” “Okay.” Bridget laughed. “HAHAHA.” PennRail pointed at her. “Don't.” The doors opened. ASIMA headquarters stood directly ahead. Jay stepped off. “Everyone ready?” Bridget raised her bat. “Yes.” Spritedfox raised her staff. “Yes.” Alex raised a transit map. “Yes.” Sasha raised a second transit map. “Yes.” Kaitlyn raised a candy bucket. “Yes.” Foxey raised both hands. “YES :3” Halfdan drew his sword. “I am prepared.” PennRail cracked her knuckles. “Let's do this.” Rashid raised his fist. “FOR COMMUNISM!” Spritedfox looked at him. “Please stop.” “No.” Jay stepped forward. “Let's ruin their night.” The ASIMA leader appeared. “You have come to challenge us?” Jay stepped forward. “Yep.” “You cannot defeat us.” Jay looked around. “Guys?” Everyone nodded. Kalli smiled. “>:3” Jay sighed. “Let's ruin their night.” Bridget charged first. “AAAAAAAAAA!” “Why does she always do that?” Kaitlyn asked. “It's her battle cry,” Foxey said. “Why?” “Because she's Bridget.” “Fair.” Bridget smashed through the first door. “OPEN UP!” “THE DOOR WAS ALREADY OPEN!” Orange yelled. “I KNOW!” Spritedfox ran through after her. “GET OUT OF HERE!” ASIMA members scattered. Rashid ran past yelling: “PANSEXUAL COMMUNIST POWER!” Jay grabbed him. “STOP ANNOUNCING YOUR ENTIRE IDENTITY WHILE ATTACKING PEOPLE.” “WHY?” “BECAUSE IT'S WEIRD.” “Fair.” Alex suddenly stopped. “WAIT.” Everyone stopped. “What?” “There are transit maps in here.” Sasha's eyes widened. “Where?” Alex pointed. “THERE.” They both sprinted away. Jay sighed. “Let them go.” PennRail nodded. “They'll be useless for about ten minutes.” Niiko looked around. “Guys.” “What?” “I found something.” “What?” He held up a shoe. Everyone stared. “Why is there a shoe in ASIMA headquarters?” Niiko smiled. “Interesting.” Jay walked away. “I don't want to know.” Holland was calmly handing candy to everyone. “Candy?” An ASIMA member stared at her. “Why are you giving me candy?” “Because you're fighting us.” “So?” “I still have manners.” The ASIMA member looked confused. “Are you secretly evil?” Holland smiled. “Yeah, totally.” She walked away. Kaitlyn approached another ASIMA member. “Can we please just end this?” “No.” “Why?” “Because we must destroy your sinful celebration.” Kaitlyn sighed. “It's Halloween.” “Yes.” “Can you just let us have one night?” “No.” Kaitlyn looked genuinely annoyed. “You're ruining everyone's fun.” The ASIMA member paused. “You're right.” “What?” “I don't know why we're doing this.” “What?” “I think I joined because someone said there would be free pizza.” Kaitlyn stared. “There's no pizza.” “I know.” “That's depressing.” “Very.” They walked away together. Halfdan entered the main room. “Ladies, gentlemen, and assorted Halloween enthusiasts.” Everyone turned. “I hereby declare this gathering to be under the protection of the Jangsta Halloween Council.” Jay whispered: “We don't have a Halloween Council.” “We do now.” “Okay.” Halfdan raised his sword. “ASIMA, surrender.” The leader laughed. “Never!” Kalli appeared behind him. “>:3” The leader slowly turned. “What are you doing?” Kalli pressed a button. The floor opened. The leader fell into a giant pit full of candy. There was silence. Jay looked at Kalli. “Where did you get that button?” Kalli smiled. “I made it.” “Of course you did.” The ASIMA members surrendered. Everyone cheered. Bridget jumped onto a table. “WE WON!” PennRail raised her fist. “PHILLY POWER!” Everyone stared at her. “Why Philadelphia?” “Because I'm from Philadelphia.” “Fair.” The ghost train returned. Everyone boarded. Alex sat down. “This was the best train began moving. Orange started talking again. “So statistically, this has probably been the most unusual Halloween gathering we've ever had, although technically we don't have enough historical data to establish that conclusively because—” “Orange.” “Yes?” “It's over.” “Oh.” Silence. Five seconds passed. Orange spoke again. “So anyway—” Everyone screamed. “ORANGE!” Niiko leaned back. “Hey Jay.” “What?” “Do you think the ghost train has footrests?” Jay closed his eyes. “I'm going to sleep.” “Can I have your shoes?” “No.” “Damn.” Kalli looked out the window. “>:3” Angelichan noticed. “What did you do?” “Nothing.” “Kalli.” “Nothing.” “Kalli.” She smiled. “Check the destination sign.” Angelichan looked. It now said: NEXT STOP: HALLOWEEN 2027. Jay opened one eye. “Absolutely fucking not.” The train vanished into the darkness. And from somewhere far behind them came the distant voice of the ASIMA leader: “WAIT! YOU FORGOT YOUR CANDY!” Bridget yelled back: “KEEP IT!” Rashid shouted: “FREE CANDY FOR THE PEOPLE! soyuz nerushimy” Spritedfox sighed. “Why am I friends with you people?” Foxey smiled. “Because we're cute :3” Spritedfox paused. “...Fair.” And PennRail, the ancient 21 dinal warrior of Reading, Pennsylvania, looked at everyone. “You are all ridiculous.” Bridget grinned. “Love you too, grandma.” PennRail immediately stood up. “GET BACK HERE.” “NOOOOO!” The train disappeared into the night. And Halloween was safe.

JANGSTA HALLOWEEN: THE ASIMA INCIDENT